swallowing my pride

I don’t know. I just watched an interview yesterday where people were talking about letting go of everything material. They said that once you reach that level of maturity, you realize what true happiness really is. So, as usual, I had to think about it. I needed to reflect and find out how this is related to my life. And if ever it was related, how do I make sure that I find out what real happiness is.

I must have said this hundreds of times but I’m saying it again. I want to be a chef and I think it will make me happy. You must be telling me right now that I am stupid in taking up Biology and then ending up as a chef. Maybe I am but I do not think that I will regret it. Most of my life, I have been living to compete with other people. I compete because I found joy in being on top. You never reach a moment of satisfaction because you know that there is someone better than you and this makes you work harder.

I remember in my last year in high school when I was in the most competitive point of my life. I got honors every term, joined the lawn tennis varsity team, got top marks in long tests, got graduation honors, became part of the fair committee, became my class’ yearbook representative, and became a writer for the school magazine. My classmates even said that I was ‘lagi may ginagawa.’ It was all about being the best of every aspect of school. I wanted them all and I succeeded. But did it give me happiness? I believe that it did not. Yes, there have been perks to having done all those achievements but they were not enough to satisfy me. I remember that I kept on working everyday. I went home at six because of varsity practices and I had to go to school at six the next day. I was so busy to the point that I wanted to do everything. I did group projects by myself, spent time to read up in the library so that I can be prepared for the next lesson. It was tiring and when I think about it, I am slightly happy that I was able to do a lot in a year but it was not true happiness.

I got into college trying to let go of everything. I wanted to let go of this competitive spirit and just be happy. Somehow, I was able to do this. I did not join any organizations and I spend most of my time helping people out with whatever it is. Does this make me happy? It does. Fine, I never completely lost that spirit because I am in a course where people compete for the top prize: getting into the best medical school. The truth is, if I was given a choice, I would want to be in AB Communications. I would want to take that up and then become a Chef afterwards. That has been my dream but I never went for it because people thought that I would be wasting my ‘intelligence’ in a course such as Comm. Also, I chose my course because this is what returns the most money. Now, I realize that life is more than that.

I have found out that I can only find true happiness by being in Communications and becoming a chef afterwards. I do not need a lot of money. In fact, I just need enough to make me (and my future family… if ever) live through everyday life. I do not want the mansion and cars that I have often dreamed of. I just want a life of happiness and a life of contentment. I can only find that in communications and culinary arts.

permanence

A week ago, I met a taxi driver who was very different from the taxi drivers that I have met in my life. This one was very talkative and never lost topics to talk about. Everytime the cab would go silent, he would start talking again just to fill that echoing silence. This, for me, was very unusual since I am not used to talking to strangers.

This man wanted to know a lot about me. He asked where I went to school, what course I am taking, and even what sport I like. What struck me most was the fact that he was so open with sharing his own experiences. He used to take up accounting but never got to finish it because he did not have enough money. We talked about biology topics and this man even knew more than I did. Then, he also told me he used to play tennis but, as the usual case was with him, he did not have enough money to continue it. This guy even wanted to watch my IAC competition just so he can watch tennis again.

But, that is not the point of this entry. The point of this entry is that this man told me that I should do what I love. He asked me what type of doctor I wanted to be and I said I wanted to be a pediatrician and the only reason I wanted cardiology is because of the money. This made him say that I should not do things because of the money rather, I should do it because it gives me joy.

With this, I have realized that I have changed myself so much just to adapt to the world and this turned me into a person who has lost his true identity. I keep saying that people lose their identity by not showing who they are not realizing that I am losing it to. I am losing it because of constant change. If I continue this, I might not even know who I am. I do not believe that changing is a permanent concept. For me, we can always stop changing if we stop trying to fit into the molds that society has given us. I've realized that changing for people, is just lying to oneself.

The man I met might not have been able to do what he loved but he made sure other people did. And for me, that is really commendable. I know that I would not meet him again and if ever I do, that would just be a bonus. Yet, there is one thing I know that this man has done. He has made sure that he is remembered. In the future, when I am doing something that I love, I will tell myself that this man was one of the reasons.

One day, I would want to do just the same thing. I want someone to remember me even if everybody else forgets.

pre-Christmas day

Christmas is near and I'm in a holiday cheer mood. Fine, even if my ym is not working, I still am in that mood where I want to go to the garden and throw styrofoam bits above my head just so I can pretend it is snowing. But then again, maybe I'll just imagine myself doing it. For the first time in so many months, I finally get to feel that indeed Christmas is near.

This is the season that you buy gifts for people you care for, that sometimes it hurts because you're buying something that you could be buying for yourself. But if you think about it, I guess that's the point of it all. You give something (it may just be something simple or something not-so-simple) because you want to show people that you care. Fine, you can show you care without giving anything but people need the affirmation. It is hard for people to grasp something that is not tangible and pretend that there is something even if there is not. I guess gifts symbolize the care of people and its tangibility strengthens that.

Christmas is the season where people get the opportunity to strengthen relationships. It's a universal thing that even if you try to get away from it, it just runs after you to spread the holiday cheer.

Shout outs to the following (thank you for the gifts):
Pangit loser - Pangit loser! You thought that gift was me? Well, it was. Haha. I'll wear it some time. Hehe. I'll keep in touch when you're already in Canada. By the way, i'll give my gift next year (it's your fault. hehe.).

Lemon girl - I agree. Everything was Illuminated when you became one of my bestfriends. Haha. I'm reading it this Christmas break. At last, I have it!! Ym still sucks by the way.

Mayonnaise (how obvious) - Hahaha. No pressure kaya. See, you were able to but something for me. I liked it. I read the first chapter and it's really funny. Practice ka nga mag-bowl so you won't be in last place next time. :D

Skitz - Cool nung gift! I find the picture very funny. Para akong tanga. Everytime I look at it, I realize that I was stupid enough to try to 'cross' that see-saw. And yes, I am still 'puzzled' by life and love but not the complex of math (genius eh! haha).

Damiana - I was in Chocnut heaven. Hahaha. I still owe you an eraser. Next year... I'll give it to you. The bet is still on. I'm really going to get DL this sem and if you get a D. Well... ummm... good for me? Hehe. Kidding.

Girlfriend - Aaaahhh! I still don't have a gift for you. I'm a bad boyfriend (actually, you're a mistress lang diba?). Hahahaha. Thanks for that mug/tumbler. I'm going to be drinking more coffee because of it. We haven't even gone out for our first date. How sad. Hahahaha.

Chain of fools - Chain! Sorry! Masarap yung cookies. Hahaha. I want more. Fine, it's not for people whom you haven't thought of giving gifts to. It's delicious-o. I'm munching on them right now. And it's decreasing by the minute. They'd be gone by Christmas.

Merry Christmas to everyone.

reflection

I thought I didn’t know you, knowing for a fact that you were unpredictable in the past. You never gave much about yourself and that was the mystery that enveloped your very existence. It was you in your worst form and you in your best form. Nobody knew which was the real you, but still you stayed in that form. For you, what you thought of yourself was the most important notion of all. You stood against the tides of mankind’s social constructs and you endured its each and every blow. Congratulations to you my friend, because for this I salute you.

I thought I didn’t know you, knowing for a fact that you had issues within yourself. These are the issues of life that every person of this earth has to engage in everyday. You are normal beyond the eccentricities you think you have. Yes, in a world where people all have certain eccentricities, it is the eccentricities that make people normal. You are normal in every way possible and for this, you have made feel unique.

I thought I didn’t know you, knowing for a fact that I have hated you in the past. I hated you because you were honest. Your honesty has pierced every bit of my soul and it made me realize a lot of things that I have never dreamed of realizing. The realizations that I will be carrying until I become one with the earth is something that will stay true. You have given me depth because of this honesty of yours, and for that I owe you the essence of my soul.

I thought I didn’t know you, knowing for a fact that you are my friend. You are my friend in every aspect of that word – the person who you care for even with the person’s faults. I guess I never knew you were a real friend to me, even if you were. But that is my mistake, I have changed now. You are a good friend. What I think is all that matters, and that is something I have learned from you.

I thought I didn’t know you… that is what I thought. I have known myself more because of pondering over your character, realizing that you are me. You are me in both our similarities and differences. That is just funny. All the while I thought I did not know you, but in the end, it was me whom I did not know in the start.

hide 'n seek: shadow and light

*A story inspired by a friend's life story. I am using 'he' because it's shorter than 'she.' I'm not sexist okay. Hehe.

The sun’s rays aimlessly wander in search for that object. It is the object that will create the shadow of the man that stands still on the Earth’s soil. And today, at the break of a new dawn the sun has found him. He, who stands still to reflect upon what has happened with his life and for him it is all that matters right now.

He stood still on a grassy knoll not knowing who he really was. He did not know his identity – his real identity (or maybe he was just denying it to escape complications). For him, the name, age, and everything else on his driver’s license were just information that were given to him so that he can be identified by other people. But that, unfortunately, was not the real him. He was a different person inside and that was something he did not show. Don’t get him wrong, he badly wanted to show it was just that he was afraid. He has always been afraid as a kid because people might not like him and at his age, nothing was different. He was still someone who only showed the part of him that he thought would please everyone.

Recently, things have started piling up and he knew something was wrong. It was not just one of those mid-life crises (first of all, he wasn’t even in his mid-life), and neither was it a petty problem. He had to think over what has happened the past few days to understand why the events that he was experiencing were happening. He has been losing his friends one by one (faster than me saying Harry-Potter-and-the-Sorcerer's-stone) and he had no clue why. All of them have been mad at him for reasons that escape him.

His life before the incident was pretty normal. He woke up, went to school, studied for whatever, ate lunch, studied again, went home and that was the routine. At home he would do what normal people would do. His life was one monotonous activity. But he did not care. He guessed that was the problem. He did not care enough and maybe he was aloof at times. No, he knew it wasn’t just some of the time because it was most of the time. This was his day of self-reflection and knew he wanted to change. He needed to change for his benefit and others as well. He only had one problem. He can’t change. Was it pride? Nope. Maybe it was indifference? Nope. Scared? Yes. He was afraid to show his true identity – the identity that he denies to others and himself as well. It was his fate and it will forever be so.

He faces the sun, finally realizing his fate – he can never have everything. It was a choice. He could have the sun and him facing each other, while they observe every detail of the other's surface, but not seeing what was beyond it. Or, he could face his shadow, seeing more than its silhouette, and finally realize who he really was. But one thing was for sure, he can only see one of them and he can never let both find each other. He blocks the path between his shadow and the sun.

He could not make a choice. Instead, he waited for the sun to set and he went to find for a place to hide. Everyday he longs for this place. This was the place where he can see neither shadow nor light.

striking a balance

The arts have enraptured my soul and I find it hard to escape it. Everywhere I go, music, literature, and the culinary arts keep on showing their heads to remind me that I have to have them. I need them. Without them, I will not be able to bring back the balance - the balance that has recently been lost. I have been concentrating too much on sports and I have just lost track of myself. That is why the arts are calling for me.

You see, these three things have been the contents of my mind and I am sure that this is a sign. Not really a reliable sign but at least there's the fact that I'm considering it. Recently, I have wanted to take these things seriously and actually be able to have a part of me involved in those things. And I'm not talking in the amateur sense of those words, I want to at least be in the intermediate level.

Anyway, I have been serious about music and that is really something. As I have said in my previous entries, I cannot commit to something for reasons that escape me. So wanting to either play the piano or the saxophone is a big leap for me. It's one of those moments that you have finally matured enough to find a path in life and have reasons to do things. You just don't do what you do because of the perks that you might get. Rather, you have the other reason for it which is love for what you do. When you love something, you will do anything to nurture it and make sure it does not escape you again. You want it to be part of you and when you are serious about these, you succeed. I want to play one of these instruments and treat is as a craft. Not just a hobby but a serious craft.

As for literature, I think I have said in the previous entry about this. The books in my shelf have inspired me to write a novel. However, I have no idea where the novel I started is going. It has no direction and I have no concrete/unique enough story to even continue it. I have given it until the end of this month to have some shape but if that does not happen then I will have to pull the plug. I will shift to creating children's literature which for me is closer to the heart. I am a kid at heart. Weeeeehhh, imbento.

Lastly, you have the gastronomic side in all of my artistic endeavors (okay, okay... future endeavors). It has been my passion to cook eversince. I love food and the flavors are just endless. At first you are afraid to taste something because it is out of your range. But when you grow up to have the courage to taste something new, you find something new that will challenge you again. I remember tasting my dad's lamb chops and hating it because it tasted like toothpaste (thanks to the green paste). But as I grew up, I got exposed to new things and eating lamb chops was not a challenge anymore. I found new things that I found odd in taste and then it becomes familiar in time. This is the time that you appreciate it. It is a cycle, just like it is with everything else. I will take lessons in cooking. I want to cook good food.

So with that, I can say that I just want to strike a balance. I want my body and soul to be equal. I do not like one overcoming the other. I guess I just want to believe that I have a sound mind in a sound body. That, I guess is the point of it all.

escaping reality

I was walking a while ago and as usual, I was thinking about a lot of things. I might have looked like some weirdo on the street because I was thinking and truth be told, I do not know what I look like when I am thinking. But I don't think I'm drooling or making funny faces. Well, I might talk to myself at times and that is not because I'm crazy. It just so happens that I got used to it because people playing tennis (I'm one of them) do it to psych themselves up. Anyway, walking just gives me that feeling of freedom - that feeling that time is at a standstill and you could just be alone by yourself and nothing will bother you. You can say it's a bit of an escape from reality. And for me, that's good. With everything that has been going on, I need a little time off from this reality and just relax my mind (now i know why I have white hair at my age).

Actually, I try to find lots of ways to escape from reality. I walk and think, read my novels, sing (and hope to play an instrument while doing that), and then write. The thing is, I have this 'mini-library' at home with all the books I bought (and some that were given to me; I have 63 now... 37 more to go to reach my goal) and everytime I look at it, I just wish I had my own novel. I tried to continue with my novel and as usual, that irritating writer's block would creep in into me. That is the time that I just stare at the computer and hope for anything to come. Well obviously, nothing really went into my mind. To think I was even asking for more brain space when it seems that ideas are at an all-time low. So, novel status: 1%. In other words, I have got two measly pages which are not yet even edited. If I don't get it done by this month, I am really switching to writing children's literature and be the next Rowling, Colfer, or Snicket (not his real name).

I went to the bookstore a while ago and saw that the book that I wanted to buy was going to be turned into a movie. Oh crap... That is just great. There is one thing you need to know. I hate it if my books are turned into movies. Fine, they can be turned into movies but I have to read them first. I will buy Foer's Everything is Illuminated once I finish Murakami.

brain space

I need more brain space (it is not because I have a small brain). This I realized when lately I have forgotten things more often than usual. It’s like the only things that are retained in this mind of mine are those irrelevant ideas that will not save me when I am about to get killed because of I don’t know what. I have a brain with too much facts (okay… feeling) that it’s hard to retain new information. It’s not like the computer where ‘garbage in, garbage out’ is the main thing going on. It’s more of ‘garbage in, not-so-garbage out.’ That sucks right? I’m retaining useless information. Instead of knowing which cell is which, I have information such as who is the new team in the Justice League. Yuck, immature me kicking in.

Anyway, I just thought that I needed more brain space and I need it fast. Zoom. Ummm… okay, what was that for? Or maybe, I could turn into an elephant and have its memory. Then, I wouldn’t even be writing about wanting more brain space. I wish I was an elephant. Not really. I can’t make up my mind. This is a useless entry. I had a lot to write about a while ago but I lost most of them. See, what I’m saying is true. This blog has its purposes.

the pig with his goals

I am a pig. Pweh. After a long time of being a very clean person with fixed hair and a clean uniform, I have now turned into a pig. College has turned me into a pig and that for me is ummmm… I really don’t know. I’m not sure whether that is a good thing or not because there are always two sides to a coin.

On the one hand, I have gotten out of my shell and by that I mean I loosened up a bit. It used to be that I did not want people touching my well-fixed hair (well I still don’t want them to) but now, I get to have a hair that is going nowhere. It’s kinda messy at times and I get to experiment on it now. I don’t know… I just have that thing for hair. One more thing is that I wear whatever I feel because I can ‘dala’ what I wear so there’s no problem with that (hahaha… yabang). Then there’s also the fact that I got to love messy music. When I say messy music, I refer to soul music and any type of black music where there’s no definite melody. You know what I mean. To sum it all up, my messiness made me more experimental and loosened up.

But on the other hand, I have become a messy person. My grades weren’t what they used to because I don’t schedule my studying time anymore. I just study whenever I want to. I also eat sloppily and I sweat so much (well sweating was kinda genetic). Meyo (It’s a codename) and Skitz were calling me boy pawis and baboy yesterday. Hahahaha. I am a pig and I sweat so much. I think I have excessive sweat glands. Or I just have an active body.

I’ll just look at the bright side. At least pigs never become extinct. And I get to rule if I was in George Orwell’s Animal Farm. That is just sad. Haha.

By the way, I have new goals.
1. Win some contest. (IAC??!)
2. Be a good sax/piano player (so near…)
3. Write my first novel (ummm… 2 pages. Pweh.)
4. Quattro Kid (Hopefully this sem… Thomas hopefully would not be a problem)
5. Decide whether I’ll be a pastry or gourmet chef, then I learn how to be one. (lessons na!)
6. TV Host (Hahaha… this is more of a new dream)

to end it all

When you start something, you better finish it. That is something which I have never been able to succeed in, to finish something. Well, I actually got to finish academic requirements and have amazing results with them. But, if we are going to talk about achievements that do not have deadlines, I would say that I have never achieved something great at the moment. Every talent I have seems to be half-baked and that I feel is just plain sad.

Everything started when I was a kid who got everything. I was kind of a spoiled brat and I would have hated to be the parent of a younger me. But you see, one thing I explicitly remember bout my childhood is that I get bored easily. Every time I get a new toy, I would only play with it for a week or two and then we get on to the next toy. I even remember feeling guilty about not playing with the toys for more than two weeks and thinking that my dad might feel bad because I was not playing with the toys he gave me. So, what I did was try to pretend to still be interested with them every time he was looking.

So when I got into grade 3, I tried Taek-won-do out. My dad motivated me to take it since I wanted to fight with my brother anyway. I just went with it for three months and then I stopped. I hated the feeling of being barefoot and at that time, we trained on cement so it was really hard on the feet (especially for a kid). Then after a few years, I tried playing the piano and I only got up to grade 1. So that was not good either. Then you have tennis. Well, I got into the varsity team in my fourth year in high school but I quit as soon as I got injured. You can just see how easily I give up. I do not have passion in the things I did.

When I think about it, all the things I did, I only did because I wanted to get something out of it. It was never about me enjoying and wanting what I did. You see, I took up piano lessons to impress girls, and then tennis to become popular in school because I was finally a jock. But it was just about that. It was all about gaining something even If I did not like it. A simple case of the end having been able to justify the means, I should say.

But now I really know what I want because I have passion for these things. I want to play the piano because I want to play it. I want to play tennis because I want to play it. I want to take cooking lessons because I love cooking and eating. However, when I asked my parents if I can do these things again, they were not sure whether or not to let me continue. My dad told me long ago that I have a way of not continuing things that I have started. Fine, they let me continue tennis but the others are just not acceptable at the moment. The only way I can prove to them that I can finish something I have started is by finishing with my current course and then become a doctor.

Unfortunately, right now, I want to be a chef. I want to drop out of my present course and go abroad to be in a culinary school. The truth is that I hate my course. The future perks might be nice but I just do not want to write an entry in the future saying how much I regret staying in my course. I am not even sure if I want to be a doctor. The only reason I’m staying is because I want to prove something. Haaay… this might be a sign of weakness in my part. I give in to the smallest of problems. But there is one thing that I know and it is that everything that I have discontinued, I have regretted. And that is all that I can say for now.

satisfaction guaranteed... well, not really

It's amazing how people can go about in life saying that by getting something, they are sure to be satisfied. They will do anything just to get what they want because they are sure that they will be satisfied by it. People can't get any satisfaction. I know that for a fact because even I, am part of that group of people. Hey, I have the Rolling Stones and Britney Spears on a rotating motorcycle to back me up with it.

You see, the world is a rotating mass of rocks, and pools of water, with living organisms standing on it (nerd mode... pweh). Thank you earth's gravity for making it possible for us to stand on this world. Each of these living organisms follow a certain path. It is the path of evolution. Fine, it is called the theory of evolution but my Compa. Ana. professor told me it was already gospel truth. So unless you don't believe in the gospel, the theory is already considered law. With that being said, suffice it to say that as living organisms on this collection of rocks with water, we are meant to be more than what we presently are.

Human being will always want to be more, know more, and have more. We will never get satisfaction. The person who says that he is satisfied with what he/she presently have (materialistically or whatever), is a plain lie. Loser. You will always have something in mind that you would want. We are human and it is natural for us to want more than what we presently have. Maybe you want an iPod, a car, a tennis racket (fine, only I would want something like that), a 4 for your QPI (unless your in UP), or a pad (No, not pad paper, i have a lot of that. I am referring to a bachelor's pad or the like). Whatever it is you want, you'll always want more.

The sad thing about all this is that we cannot get satisfaction only if it concerns us. If it concerns others, we would not care if they were satisfied or not. If it doesn't concern us, we want to maintain the status quo. Ding! An idea just came into my mind. This so-called lack for satisfaction has its purpose. If we were satisfied, everything would just be the same. We would just stop wanting more and then we will be threatened that the 'lower class' might overcome the 'high class.' So what else are we gonna do but be unsatisfied.

So I guess in conclusion, satisfaction is just a word that was created so that we can have a base word for its opposite. Its opposite being the more useful word (unsatisfied). In this world, satiety will only be present in our imaginations. But fine, let's be optimistic. Let's look forward to the day that every person on this earth is satisfied. When that happens, tell me if your optimism was worth it. Dream of the day when everyone is already satisfied because that is the day that will end all dreams. You dreams are reality.

confused

I am confused. No, I am not confused in the figurative sense. Rather, it is in its literal aspect that i can apply myself. You see, I have not told most people about how I really feel about that girl I like. I do not know why I have to keep it to myself and yet I continue to do so. Even my closest friend doesn't even know about the real deal with me and that girl. I guess I am afraid to tell him that I will not be able to fulfill my end of the deal. I know I have 'failed' but in my viewpoint, it wasn't a total failure.

This girl I like has someone who is courting her. I, on the other hand, just stand by her side and wait for things to unfold without doing anything. 'Why not do something?,' you ask. Well you see, I am not ready. As much as I love every minute spent with her and everything about her, I am not looking for a girlfriend right now. I remember a friend telling me that college has embedded people with the notion that one should have a girlfriend in college. This notion is true and I am hoping to go against the tide. I am not going against the tide just to say that I am a non-conformist. It is simply because I am content with my present life. I don't want it to change at the moment. And I am sure it will change once I have committed myself to someone.

The pressure is killing me. Should I just let things go and watch them unfold in front of my eyes? Or should I make the move and tell her everything even if it results in rejection. There have been some people saying that I shouldn't be a wallflower and instead, just go for it. With my pride kicking in, I told myself that I will actually do it. Yet, I definitely know it is not time.

The first three paragraphs was what I had in mind two weeks ago. I have changed. I know what to do. The option for me is to wait and follow what my instincts tell me. It is not always about getting the girl early on because all the time, ending up with her is better. I am in no rush to do things. It is just a matter of being honest to myself (something I have a hard time doing).

I know she is the girl but the time is not right. I tell myself that she does not have me in her thoughts right now. If she is happy with that other guy (and it is what she truly wants), then I will be happy for her. I do not see this as a sign of weakness on my part because I believe that being honest to myself is the bravest action I have ever done. Things will be better in the future. That is what I will always put in mind because it is what will keep me from giving up.

transformation of the soul

The eyes are the windows to one's soul. It is because of this 'saying' that our people have been led to believe that a photograph partakes a part of your soul. The camera sends out its presupposed flash and it sucks your soul right out of your eyes. This might seem as an all too primitive belief that never had its basis in the first place. But recently, I have learned to agree with the said theory, if that is what it is called.

However, I would be altering a part of it so that it can serve my purposes. Each time a person writes something, whether on paper or on the computer, he loses a part of him. A part of him that has been transformed into something different but is still a manifestation of the individual. It goes the same for fine arts, and music. We express ourselves by transforming our souls into different forms. That is the nature of the soul. Just like matter, it is neither created nor detroyed because it just transforms into something else.

Yesterday was a day that I have planned on writing two entries for this blog and my other blog. Unfortunately, I was only to accomplish half of the task I wanted to do. I was only able to write one entry (it was the more important one) because I was so tired of writing another one just so that the reading audience on my other blog can have something to read. For the first time in my writing life, I have felt that my soul has been purged and transformed into what I have written. It has just been a tiring experience and I know that I will be experiencing more of it in the future.

I am betting that Dumbledore did not experience any form of fatigue by using his pensieve. As for me, writing memories on the blog is just tiring. Apart from the fact that you type an endless string of letters to form words that you hope would make sense, you would have to think of ideas that are new to you so that you will have an indication of your personal growth. As long as I am writing, I know that my soul will keep on going. It moves as it grows on its own while other souls are nourishing it.

The one thing of the world, in value, is the active soul. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

unexpressive

It happened on a humid day. Truth be told, it was not really a humid day. I only said that because it was the expected feeling/weather after rain has poured on a hot day. I have just finished with my histology class and I went to the caf to be with some friends. So you have the usual chit-chat and then you eat and then you have another chit-chat and then at one point you just fall silent. No, it was not one of those awkward silences where everyone stops speaking because of a feeling of uneasiness with each other (that only happens when I am with people who I do not know). It just so happened that we did not have anything to talk about. When this happens, I usually go into my i-will-reflect-about-myself mode and this day was not an exception.

I was in front of the trash can and it suddenly came to me that I am not expressive. Now you can say that the trash can had a reflective effect on me. But fine, I wondered whether i was or was not expressive and then I asked the people whom I was with. For obvious reasons, they said i was not (I would not be writing this if they said that i was). I do not show how I feel for reasons that I did not know at the time I popped the question. But since I am in the computer lab and bored to death (that histology teacher should not dismiss me early in lab anymore), I will attempt to analyze myself. That might strike you as plain weird but I do not care. Hehe.

First of all, the main reason would be fear of rejection. Rejection in the sense that the person who you might be expressing a feeling to, does not really care. That would just suck right? So in a sense, I just want to be on the safe side. No risks included. You might not be gaining but at least you are not losing either.

The next reason I suppose would be independence. I am sure that eversince I was a kid, I always kept everything to myself. The most personal one could get with me would be in school. That was it. Everything was mainly academic. My routine at that time (I still remember feeling kind of bored about that routine) was go to school then go home. Then that was it every week. It had its benefits like good grades (then you get money after that) and all that jazz. But in the social aspect of life, I was not doing well (I do not want to say I was a loser but if you want to put it that way, go ahead. As if I can change your mind. Haha.). I relied on myself too much and even if I try to change now, there will still be a tinge of that independence.

Lastly, maybe I am comfortable with what I am right now. I do not have the need to express who I am because it is not me. Simple as that. It is not me. It is such a convenient excuse but I still think it holds true in my case. I just do not want to be an open book. I am who I am right now and I do not want to change. I am not afraid to change. It just so happens that I do not want to. I guess that is the end of it all (In other words, I am making a lousy excuse for my unexpressiveness).

I could not think of other reasons apart from these three. Maybe there are more but I do not think they are main reasons. Or maybe, I am too lazy to think up more excuses and write about them.

As it is with everybody, they hide a part of themselves because they are afraid to be judged. They want to their own world of status quo. Personally, I do not think it is bad because it is what makes us want to know other people more. We want to find out what mystery they have in them. My SA teacher once told me that people are naturally 'chismoso.' They want to know what people are doing or what people are talking about. If this was true, then I guess I am also right in saying that people naturally want to find out what mystery other people have.

So at the end of the day, my unexpressiveness is not at all bad. In fact, this is what makes me interesting. No, I am not justifying my unexpressiveness. It just so happens that I want to find something good in every aspect of a person's character. But then again, that is justifying right? Oh well. Whatever it is, I will be unexpressive for the moment. I have writing to express myself anyway. I am just amused at the fact that I can make my bad traits seem acceptable or even likable.

first entry

While going home with one of my bestfriends, I realized something about life. Life in the sense of gaining and losing friends. I just found it sad that most people, as much as they want their friendships to last, lose them sooner or later. Maybe it is the way of life. But is this really the way of life? There is a possibility that I am just justifying the 'wrong' actions of men so that they would not seem 'wrong' anymore.

My friend and I were guilty of this human action, an action that might not be that grave unless one finds friendships essential. When a person graduates from grade school, one will hang out with one's old friends as they move along the corridors of their high school. This will only go on until such time that new friends come in. Sooner or later, the old friends would be just that. Old friends. An occasional 'Hi!' or 'Hello!' But at the end of the day, that's that.

This goes the same for High School. Graduation day comes and everyone promises a form of 'walang kalimutan.' But once college comes in, it is hard not to meet new people and then a rift forms between you and your high school friends. Sad but true. You would be left with an occasional 'Hi!' or 'Hello!' But if you're lucky enough, you get to hang out with them once in a while but deep inside you know the old times were just the old times.

As for college, I do not know if this holds true. Will I still be friends with the people I am hanging out at present? Only time will tell. However, my friend, whom I was having this conversation with, told me that she will be my friend no matter what. A friend until the end as some would say. I know that my three bestfriends at present would always be my friends because I want them to be. But what about the others? Are they just gonna be, as I said earlier, 'old' friends?' The people you meet in the hallway to say 'Hi!' to and not forge a deeper friendship. Maybe or maybe not. So that's it for my first entry. It was a sudden burst of reflection that has led me to writing this. Anyway, that is it for now.