to end it all

When you start something, you better finish it. That is something which I have never been able to succeed in, to finish something. Well, I actually got to finish academic requirements and have amazing results with them. But, if we are going to talk about achievements that do not have deadlines, I would say that I have never achieved something great at the moment. Every talent I have seems to be half-baked and that I feel is just plain sad.

Everything started when I was a kid who got everything. I was kind of a spoiled brat and I would have hated to be the parent of a younger me. But you see, one thing I explicitly remember bout my childhood is that I get bored easily. Every time I get a new toy, I would only play with it for a week or two and then we get on to the next toy. I even remember feeling guilty about not playing with the toys for more than two weeks and thinking that my dad might feel bad because I was not playing with the toys he gave me. So, what I did was try to pretend to still be interested with them every time he was looking.

So when I got into grade 3, I tried Taek-won-do out. My dad motivated me to take it since I wanted to fight with my brother anyway. I just went with it for three months and then I stopped. I hated the feeling of being barefoot and at that time, we trained on cement so it was really hard on the feet (especially for a kid). Then after a few years, I tried playing the piano and I only got up to grade 1. So that was not good either. Then you have tennis. Well, I got into the varsity team in my fourth year in high school but I quit as soon as I got injured. You can just see how easily I give up. I do not have passion in the things I did.

When I think about it, all the things I did, I only did because I wanted to get something out of it. It was never about me enjoying and wanting what I did. You see, I took up piano lessons to impress girls, and then tennis to become popular in school because I was finally a jock. But it was just about that. It was all about gaining something even If I did not like it. A simple case of the end having been able to justify the means, I should say.

But now I really know what I want because I have passion for these things. I want to play the piano because I want to play it. I want to play tennis because I want to play it. I want to take cooking lessons because I love cooking and eating. However, when I asked my parents if I can do these things again, they were not sure whether or not to let me continue. My dad told me long ago that I have a way of not continuing things that I have started. Fine, they let me continue tennis but the others are just not acceptable at the moment. The only way I can prove to them that I can finish something I have started is by finishing with my current course and then become a doctor.

Unfortunately, right now, I want to be a chef. I want to drop out of my present course and go abroad to be in a culinary school. The truth is that I hate my course. The future perks might be nice but I just do not want to write an entry in the future saying how much I regret staying in my course. I am not even sure if I want to be a doctor. The only reason I’m staying is because I want to prove something. Haaay… this might be a sign of weakness in my part. I give in to the smallest of problems. But there is one thing that I know and it is that everything that I have discontinued, I have regretted. And that is all that I can say for now.

satisfaction guaranteed... well, not really

It's amazing how people can go about in life saying that by getting something, they are sure to be satisfied. They will do anything just to get what they want because they are sure that they will be satisfied by it. People can't get any satisfaction. I know that for a fact because even I, am part of that group of people. Hey, I have the Rolling Stones and Britney Spears on a rotating motorcycle to back me up with it.

You see, the world is a rotating mass of rocks, and pools of water, with living organisms standing on it (nerd mode... pweh). Thank you earth's gravity for making it possible for us to stand on this world. Each of these living organisms follow a certain path. It is the path of evolution. Fine, it is called the theory of evolution but my Compa. Ana. professor told me it was already gospel truth. So unless you don't believe in the gospel, the theory is already considered law. With that being said, suffice it to say that as living organisms on this collection of rocks with water, we are meant to be more than what we presently are.

Human being will always want to be more, know more, and have more. We will never get satisfaction. The person who says that he is satisfied with what he/she presently have (materialistically or whatever), is a plain lie. Loser. You will always have something in mind that you would want. We are human and it is natural for us to want more than what we presently have. Maybe you want an iPod, a car, a tennis racket (fine, only I would want something like that), a 4 for your QPI (unless your in UP), or a pad (No, not pad paper, i have a lot of that. I am referring to a bachelor's pad or the like). Whatever it is you want, you'll always want more.

The sad thing about all this is that we cannot get satisfaction only if it concerns us. If it concerns others, we would not care if they were satisfied or not. If it doesn't concern us, we want to maintain the status quo. Ding! An idea just came into my mind. This so-called lack for satisfaction has its purpose. If we were satisfied, everything would just be the same. We would just stop wanting more and then we will be threatened that the 'lower class' might overcome the 'high class.' So what else are we gonna do but be unsatisfied.

So I guess in conclusion, satisfaction is just a word that was created so that we can have a base word for its opposite. Its opposite being the more useful word (unsatisfied). In this world, satiety will only be present in our imaginations. But fine, let's be optimistic. Let's look forward to the day that every person on this earth is satisfied. When that happens, tell me if your optimism was worth it. Dream of the day when everyone is already satisfied because that is the day that will end all dreams. You dreams are reality.

confused

I am confused. No, I am not confused in the figurative sense. Rather, it is in its literal aspect that i can apply myself. You see, I have not told most people about how I really feel about that girl I like. I do not know why I have to keep it to myself and yet I continue to do so. Even my closest friend doesn't even know about the real deal with me and that girl. I guess I am afraid to tell him that I will not be able to fulfill my end of the deal. I know I have 'failed' but in my viewpoint, it wasn't a total failure.

This girl I like has someone who is courting her. I, on the other hand, just stand by her side and wait for things to unfold without doing anything. 'Why not do something?,' you ask. Well you see, I am not ready. As much as I love every minute spent with her and everything about her, I am not looking for a girlfriend right now. I remember a friend telling me that college has embedded people with the notion that one should have a girlfriend in college. This notion is true and I am hoping to go against the tide. I am not going against the tide just to say that I am a non-conformist. It is simply because I am content with my present life. I don't want it to change at the moment. And I am sure it will change once I have committed myself to someone.

The pressure is killing me. Should I just let things go and watch them unfold in front of my eyes? Or should I make the move and tell her everything even if it results in rejection. There have been some people saying that I shouldn't be a wallflower and instead, just go for it. With my pride kicking in, I told myself that I will actually do it. Yet, I definitely know it is not time.

The first three paragraphs was what I had in mind two weeks ago. I have changed. I know what to do. The option for me is to wait and follow what my instincts tell me. It is not always about getting the girl early on because all the time, ending up with her is better. I am in no rush to do things. It is just a matter of being honest to myself (something I have a hard time doing).

I know she is the girl but the time is not right. I tell myself that she does not have me in her thoughts right now. If she is happy with that other guy (and it is what she truly wants), then I will be happy for her. I do not see this as a sign of weakness on my part because I believe that being honest to myself is the bravest action I have ever done. Things will be better in the future. That is what I will always put in mind because it is what will keep me from giving up.

transformation of the soul

The eyes are the windows to one's soul. It is because of this 'saying' that our people have been led to believe that a photograph partakes a part of your soul. The camera sends out its presupposed flash and it sucks your soul right out of your eyes. This might seem as an all too primitive belief that never had its basis in the first place. But recently, I have learned to agree with the said theory, if that is what it is called.

However, I would be altering a part of it so that it can serve my purposes. Each time a person writes something, whether on paper or on the computer, he loses a part of him. A part of him that has been transformed into something different but is still a manifestation of the individual. It goes the same for fine arts, and music. We express ourselves by transforming our souls into different forms. That is the nature of the soul. Just like matter, it is neither created nor detroyed because it just transforms into something else.

Yesterday was a day that I have planned on writing two entries for this blog and my other blog. Unfortunately, I was only to accomplish half of the task I wanted to do. I was only able to write one entry (it was the more important one) because I was so tired of writing another one just so that the reading audience on my other blog can have something to read. For the first time in my writing life, I have felt that my soul has been purged and transformed into what I have written. It has just been a tiring experience and I know that I will be experiencing more of it in the future.

I am betting that Dumbledore did not experience any form of fatigue by using his pensieve. As for me, writing memories on the blog is just tiring. Apart from the fact that you type an endless string of letters to form words that you hope would make sense, you would have to think of ideas that are new to you so that you will have an indication of your personal growth. As long as I am writing, I know that my soul will keep on going. It moves as it grows on its own while other souls are nourishing it.

The one thing of the world, in value, is the active soul. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

unexpressive

It happened on a humid day. Truth be told, it was not really a humid day. I only said that because it was the expected feeling/weather after rain has poured on a hot day. I have just finished with my histology class and I went to the caf to be with some friends. So you have the usual chit-chat and then you eat and then you have another chit-chat and then at one point you just fall silent. No, it was not one of those awkward silences where everyone stops speaking because of a feeling of uneasiness with each other (that only happens when I am with people who I do not know). It just so happened that we did not have anything to talk about. When this happens, I usually go into my i-will-reflect-about-myself mode and this day was not an exception.

I was in front of the trash can and it suddenly came to me that I am not expressive. Now you can say that the trash can had a reflective effect on me. But fine, I wondered whether i was or was not expressive and then I asked the people whom I was with. For obvious reasons, they said i was not (I would not be writing this if they said that i was). I do not show how I feel for reasons that I did not know at the time I popped the question. But since I am in the computer lab and bored to death (that histology teacher should not dismiss me early in lab anymore), I will attempt to analyze myself. That might strike you as plain weird but I do not care. Hehe.

First of all, the main reason would be fear of rejection. Rejection in the sense that the person who you might be expressing a feeling to, does not really care. That would just suck right? So in a sense, I just want to be on the safe side. No risks included. You might not be gaining but at least you are not losing either.

The next reason I suppose would be independence. I am sure that eversince I was a kid, I always kept everything to myself. The most personal one could get with me would be in school. That was it. Everything was mainly academic. My routine at that time (I still remember feeling kind of bored about that routine) was go to school then go home. Then that was it every week. It had its benefits like good grades (then you get money after that) and all that jazz. But in the social aspect of life, I was not doing well (I do not want to say I was a loser but if you want to put it that way, go ahead. As if I can change your mind. Haha.). I relied on myself too much and even if I try to change now, there will still be a tinge of that independence.

Lastly, maybe I am comfortable with what I am right now. I do not have the need to express who I am because it is not me. Simple as that. It is not me. It is such a convenient excuse but I still think it holds true in my case. I just do not want to be an open book. I am who I am right now and I do not want to change. I am not afraid to change. It just so happens that I do not want to. I guess that is the end of it all (In other words, I am making a lousy excuse for my unexpressiveness).

I could not think of other reasons apart from these three. Maybe there are more but I do not think they are main reasons. Or maybe, I am too lazy to think up more excuses and write about them.

As it is with everybody, they hide a part of themselves because they are afraid to be judged. They want to their own world of status quo. Personally, I do not think it is bad because it is what makes us want to know other people more. We want to find out what mystery they have in them. My SA teacher once told me that people are naturally 'chismoso.' They want to know what people are doing or what people are talking about. If this was true, then I guess I am also right in saying that people naturally want to find out what mystery other people have.

So at the end of the day, my unexpressiveness is not at all bad. In fact, this is what makes me interesting. No, I am not justifying my unexpressiveness. It just so happens that I want to find something good in every aspect of a person's character. But then again, that is justifying right? Oh well. Whatever it is, I will be unexpressive for the moment. I have writing to express myself anyway. I am just amused at the fact that I can make my bad traits seem acceptable or even likable.

first entry

While going home with one of my bestfriends, I realized something about life. Life in the sense of gaining and losing friends. I just found it sad that most people, as much as they want their friendships to last, lose them sooner or later. Maybe it is the way of life. But is this really the way of life? There is a possibility that I am just justifying the 'wrong' actions of men so that they would not seem 'wrong' anymore.

My friend and I were guilty of this human action, an action that might not be that grave unless one finds friendships essential. When a person graduates from grade school, one will hang out with one's old friends as they move along the corridors of their high school. This will only go on until such time that new friends come in. Sooner or later, the old friends would be just that. Old friends. An occasional 'Hi!' or 'Hello!' But at the end of the day, that's that.

This goes the same for High School. Graduation day comes and everyone promises a form of 'walang kalimutan.' But once college comes in, it is hard not to meet new people and then a rift forms between you and your high school friends. Sad but true. You would be left with an occasional 'Hi!' or 'Hello!' But if you're lucky enough, you get to hang out with them once in a while but deep inside you know the old times were just the old times.

As for college, I do not know if this holds true. Will I still be friends with the people I am hanging out at present? Only time will tell. However, my friend, whom I was having this conversation with, told me that she will be my friend no matter what. A friend until the end as some would say. I know that my three bestfriends at present would always be my friends because I want them to be. But what about the others? Are they just gonna be, as I said earlier, 'old' friends?' The people you meet in the hallway to say 'Hi!' to and not forge a deeper friendship. Maybe or maybe not. So that's it for my first entry. It was a sudden burst of reflection that has led me to writing this. Anyway, that is it for now.