Monday, December 26, 2005

swallowing my pride

I don’t know. I just watched an interview yesterday where people were talking about letting go of everything material. They said that once you reach that level of maturity, you realize what true happiness really is. So, as usual, I had to think about it. I needed to reflect and find out how this is related to my life. And if ever it was related, how do I make sure that I find out what real happiness is.

I must have said this hundreds of times but I’m saying it again. I want to be a chef and I think it will make me happy. You must be telling me right now that I am stupid in taking up Biology and then ending up as a chef. Maybe I am but I do not think that I will regret it. Most of my life, I have been living to compete with other people. I compete because I found joy in being on top. You never reach a moment of satisfaction because you know that there is someone better than you and this makes you work harder.

I remember in my last year in high school when I was in the most competitive point of my life. I got honors every term, joined the lawn tennis varsity team, got top marks in long tests, got graduation honors, became part of the fair committee, became my class’ yearbook representative, and became a writer for the school magazine. My classmates even said that I was ‘lagi may ginagawa.’ It was all about being the best of every aspect of school. I wanted them all and I succeeded. But did it give me happiness? I believe that it did not. Yes, there have been perks to having done all those achievements but they were not enough to satisfy me. I remember that I kept on working everyday. I went home at six because of varsity practices and I had to go to school at six the next day. I was so busy to the point that I wanted to do everything. I did group projects by myself, spent time to read up in the library so that I can be prepared for the next lesson. It was tiring and when I think about it, I am slightly happy that I was able to do a lot in a year but it was not true happiness.

I got into college trying to let go of everything. I wanted to let go of this competitive spirit and just be happy. Somehow, I was able to do this. I did not join any organizations and I spend most of my time helping people out with whatever it is. Does this make me happy? It does. Fine, I never completely lost that spirit because I am in a course where people compete for the top prize: getting into the best medical school. The truth is, if I was given a choice, I would want to be in AB Communications. I would want to take that up and then become a Chef afterwards. That has been my dream but I never went for it because people thought that I would be wasting my ‘intelligence’ in a course such as Comm. Also, I chose my course because this is what returns the most money. Now, I realize that life is more than that.

I have found out that I can only find true happiness by being in Communications and becoming a chef afterwards. I do not need a lot of money. In fact, I just need enough to make me (and my future family… if ever) live through everyday life. I do not want the mansion and cars that I have often dreamed of. I just want a life of happiness and a life of contentment. I can only find that in communications and culinary arts.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

permanence

A week ago, I met a taxi driver who was very different from the taxi drivers that I have met in my life. This one was very talkative and never lost topics to talk about. Everytime the cab would go silent, he would start talking again just to fill that echoing silence. This, for me, was very unusual since I am not used to talking to strangers.

This man wanted to know a lot about me. He asked where I went to school, what course I am taking, and even what sport I like. What struck me most was the fact that he was so open with sharing his own experiences. He used to take up accounting but never got to finish it because he did not have enough money. We talked about biology topics and this man even knew more than I did. Then, he also told me he used to play tennis but, as the usual case was with him, he did not have enough money to continue it. This guy even wanted to watch my IAC competition just so he can watch tennis again.

But, that is not the point of this entry. The point of this entry is that this man told me that I should do what I love. He asked me what type of doctor I wanted to be and I said I wanted to be a pediatrician and the only reason I wanted cardiology is because of the money. This made him say that I should not do things because of the money rather, I should do it because it gives me joy.

With this, I have realized that I have changed myself so much just to adapt to the world and this turned me into a person who has lost his true identity. I keep saying that people lose their identity by not showing who they are not realizing that I am losing it to. I am losing it because of constant change. If I continue this, I might not even know who I am. I do not believe that changing is a permanent concept. For me, we can always stop changing if we stop trying to fit into the molds that society has given us. I've realized that changing for people, is just lying to oneself.

The man I met might not have been able to do what he loved but he made sure other people did. And for me, that is really commendable. I know that I would not meet him again and if ever I do, that would just be a bonus. Yet, there is one thing I know that this man has done. He has made sure that he is remembered. In the future, when I am doing something that I love, I will tell myself that this man was one of the reasons.

One day, I would want to do just the same thing. I want someone to remember me even if everybody else forgets.

pre-Christmas day

Christmas is near and I'm in a holiday cheer mood. Fine, even if my ym is not working, I still am in that mood where I want to go to the garden and throw styrofoam bits above my head just so I can pretend it is snowing. But then again, maybe I'll just imagine myself doing it. For the first time in so many months, I finally get to feel that indeed Christmas is near.

This is the season that you buy gifts for people you care for, that sometimes it hurts because you're buying something that you could be buying for yourself. But if you think about it, I guess that's the point of it all. You give something (it may just be something simple or something not-so-simple) because you want to show people that you care. Fine, you can show you care without giving anything but people need the affirmation. It is hard for people to grasp something that is not tangible and pretend that there is something even if there is not. I guess gifts symbolize the care of people and its tangibility strengthens that.

Christmas is the season where people get the opportunity to strengthen relationships. It's a universal thing that even if you try to get away from it, it just runs after you to spread the holiday cheer.

Shout outs to the following (thank you for the gifts):
Pangit loser - Pangit loser! You thought that gift was me? Well, it was. Haha. I'll wear it some time. Hehe. I'll keep in touch when you're already in Canada. By the way, i'll give my gift next year (it's your fault. hehe.).

Lemon girl - I agree. Everything was Illuminated when you became one of my bestfriends. Haha. I'm reading it this Christmas break. At last, I have it!! Ym still sucks by the way.

Mayonnaise (how obvious) - Hahaha. No pressure kaya. See, you were able to but something for me. I liked it. I read the first chapter and it's really funny. Practice ka nga mag-bowl so you won't be in last place next time. :D

Skitz - Cool nung gift! I find the picture very funny. Para akong tanga. Everytime I look at it, I realize that I was stupid enough to try to 'cross' that see-saw. And yes, I am still 'puzzled' by life and love but not the complex of math (genius eh! haha).

Damiana - I was in Chocnut heaven. Hahaha. I still owe you an eraser. Next year... I'll give it to you. The bet is still on. I'm really going to get DL this sem and if you get a D. Well... ummm... good for me? Hehe. Kidding.

Girlfriend - Aaaahhh! I still don't have a gift for you. I'm a bad boyfriend (actually, you're a mistress lang diba?). Hahahaha. Thanks for that mug/tumbler. I'm going to be drinking more coffee because of it. We haven't even gone out for our first date. How sad. Hahahaha.

Chain of fools - Chain! Sorry! Masarap yung cookies. Hahaha. I want more. Fine, it's not for people whom you haven't thought of giving gifts to. It's delicious-o. I'm munching on them right now. And it's decreasing by the minute. They'd be gone by Christmas.

Merry Christmas to everyone.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

reflection

I thought I didn’t know you, knowing for a fact that you were unpredictable in the past. You never gave much about yourself and that was the mystery that enveloped your very existence. It was you in your worst form and you in your best form. Nobody knew which was the real you, but still you stayed in that form. For you, what you thought of yourself was the most important notion of all. You stood against the tides of mankind’s social constructs and you endured its each and every blow. Congratulations to you my friend, because for this I salute you.

I thought I didn’t know you, knowing for a fact that you had issues within yourself. These are the issues of life that every person of this earth has to engage in everyday. You are normal beyond the eccentricities you think you have. Yes, in a world where people all have certain eccentricities, it is the eccentricities that make people normal. You are normal in every way possible and for this, you have made feel unique.

I thought I didn’t know you, knowing for a fact that I have hated you in the past. I hated you because you were honest. Your honesty has pierced every bit of my soul and it made me realize a lot of things that I have never dreamed of realizing. The realizations that I will be carrying until I become one with the earth is something that will stay true. You have given me depth because of this honesty of yours, and for that I owe you the essence of my soul.

I thought I didn’t know you, knowing for a fact that you are my friend. You are my friend in every aspect of that word – the person who you care for even with the person’s faults. I guess I never knew you were a real friend to me, even if you were. But that is my mistake, I have changed now. You are a good friend. What I think is all that matters, and that is something I have learned from you.

I thought I didn’t know you… that is what I thought. I have known myself more because of pondering over your character, realizing that you are me. You are me in both our similarities and differences. That is just funny. All the while I thought I did not know you, but in the end, it was me whom I did not know in the start.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

hide 'n seek: shadow and light

*A story inspired by a friend's life story. I am using 'he' because it's shorter than 'she.' I'm not sexist okay. Hehe.

The sun’s rays aimlessly wander in search for that object. It is the object that will create the shadow of the man that stands still on the Earth’s soil. And today, at the break of a new dawn the sun has found him. He, who stands still to reflect upon what has happened with his life and for him it is all that matters right now.

He stood still on a grassy knoll not knowing who he really was. He did not know his identity – his real identity (or maybe he was just denying it to escape complications). For him, the name, age, and everything else on his driver’s license were just information that were given to him so that he can be identified by other people. But that, unfortunately, was not the real him. He was a different person inside and that was something he did not show. Don’t get him wrong, he badly wanted to show it was just that he was afraid. He has always been afraid as a kid because people might not like him and at his age, nothing was different. He was still someone who only showed the part of him that he thought would please everyone.

Recently, things have started piling up and he knew something was wrong. It was not just one of those mid-life crises (first of all, he wasn’t even in his mid-life), and neither was it a petty problem. He had to think over what has happened the past few days to understand why the events that he was experiencing were happening. He has been losing his friends one by one (faster than me saying Harry-Potter-and-the-Sorcerer's-stone) and he had no clue why. All of them have been mad at him for reasons that escape him.

His life before the incident was pretty normal. He woke up, went to school, studied for whatever, ate lunch, studied again, went home and that was the routine. At home he would do what normal people would do. His life was one monotonous activity. But he did not care. He guessed that was the problem. He did not care enough and maybe he was aloof at times. No, he knew it wasn’t just some of the time because it was most of the time. This was his day of self-reflection and knew he wanted to change. He needed to change for his benefit and others as well. He only had one problem. He can’t change. Was it pride? Nope. Maybe it was indifference? Nope. Scared? Yes. He was afraid to show his true identity – the identity that he denies to others and himself as well. It was his fate and it will forever be so.

He faces the sun, finally realizing his fate – he can never have everything. It was a choice. He could have the sun and him facing each other, while they observe every detail of the other's surface, but not seeing what was beyond it. Or, he could face his shadow, seeing more than its silhouette, and finally realize who he really was. But one thing was for sure, he can only see one of them and he can never let both find each other. He blocks the path between his shadow and the sun.

He could not make a choice. Instead, he waited for the sun to set and he went to find for a place to hide. Everyday he longs for this place. This was the place where he can see neither shadow nor light.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

striking a balance

The arts have enraptured my soul and I find it hard to escape it. Everywhere I go, music, literature, and the culinary arts keep on showing their heads to remind me that I have to have them. I need them. Without them, I will not be able to bring back the balance - the balance that has recently been lost. I have been concentrating too much on sports and I have just lost track of myself. That is why the arts are calling for me.

You see, these three things have been the contents of my mind and I am sure that this is a sign. Not really a reliable sign but at least there's the fact that I'm considering it. Recently, I have wanted to take these things seriously and actually be able to have a part of me involved in those things. And I'm not talking in the amateur sense of those words, I want to at least be in the intermediate level.

Anyway, I have been serious about music and that is really something. As I have said in my previous entries, I cannot commit to something for reasons that escape me. So wanting to either play the piano or the saxophone is a big leap for me. It's one of those moments that you have finally matured enough to find a path in life and have reasons to do things. You just don't do what you do because of the perks that you might get. Rather, you have the other reason for it which is love for what you do. When you love something, you will do anything to nurture it and make sure it does not escape you again. You want it to be part of you and when you are serious about these, you succeed. I want to play one of these instruments and treat is as a craft. Not just a hobby but a serious craft.

As for literature, I think I have said in the previous entry about this. The books in my shelf have inspired me to write a novel. However, I have no idea where the novel I started is going. It has no direction and I have no concrete/unique enough story to even continue it. I have given it until the end of this month to have some shape but if that does not happen then I will have to pull the plug. I will shift to creating children's literature which for me is closer to the heart. I am a kid at heart. Weeeeehhh, imbento.

Lastly, you have the gastronomic side in all of my artistic endeavors (okay, okay... future endeavors). It has been my passion to cook eversince. I love food and the flavors are just endless. At first you are afraid to taste something because it is out of your range. But when you grow up to have the courage to taste something new, you find something new that will challenge you again. I remember tasting my dad's lamb chops and hating it because it tasted like toothpaste (thanks to the green paste). But as I grew up, I got exposed to new things and eating lamb chops was not a challenge anymore. I found new things that I found odd in taste and then it becomes familiar in time. This is the time that you appreciate it. It is a cycle, just like it is with everything else. I will take lessons in cooking. I want to cook good food.

So with that, I can say that I just want to strike a balance. I want my body and soul to be equal. I do not like one overcoming the other. I guess I just want to believe that I have a sound mind in a sound body. That, I guess is the point of it all.

escaping reality

I was walking a while ago and as usual, I was thinking about a lot of things. I might have looked like some weirdo on the street because I was thinking and truth be told, I do not know what I look like when I am thinking. But I don't think I'm drooling or making funny faces. Well, I might talk to myself at times and that is not because I'm crazy. It just so happens that I got used to it because people playing tennis (I'm one of them) do it to psych themselves up. Anyway, walking just gives me that feeling of freedom - that feeling that time is at a standstill and you could just be alone by yourself and nothing will bother you. You can say it's a bit of an escape from reality. And for me, that's good. With everything that has been going on, I need a little time off from this reality and just relax my mind (now i know why I have white hair at my age).

Actually, I try to find lots of ways to escape from reality. I walk and think, read my novels, sing (and hope to play an instrument while doing that), and then write. The thing is, I have this 'mini-library' at home with all the books I bought (and some that were given to me; I have 63 now... 37 more to go to reach my goal) and everytime I look at it, I just wish I had my own novel. I tried to continue with my novel and as usual, that irritating writer's block would creep in into me. That is the time that I just stare at the computer and hope for anything to come. Well obviously, nothing really went into my mind. To think I was even asking for more brain space when it seems that ideas are at an all-time low. So, novel status: 1%. In other words, I have got two measly pages which are not yet even edited. If I don't get it done by this month, I am really switching to writing children's literature and be the next Rowling, Colfer, or Snicket (not his real name).

I went to the bookstore a while ago and saw that the book that I wanted to buy was going to be turned into a movie. Oh crap... That is just great. There is one thing you need to know. I hate it if my books are turned into movies. Fine, they can be turned into movies but I have to read them first. I will buy Foer's Everything is Illuminated once I finish Murakami.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

brain space

I need more brain space (it is not because I have a small brain). This I realized when lately I have forgotten things more often than usual. It’s like the only things that are retained in this mind of mine are those irrelevant ideas that will not save me when I am about to get killed because of I don’t know what. I have a brain with too much facts (okay… feeling) that it’s hard to retain new information. It’s not like the computer where ‘garbage in, garbage out’ is the main thing going on. It’s more of ‘garbage in, not-so-garbage out.’ That sucks right? I’m retaining useless information. Instead of knowing which cell is which, I have information such as who is the new team in the Justice League. Yuck, immature me kicking in.

Anyway, I just thought that I needed more brain space and I need it fast. Zoom. Ummm… okay, what was that for? Or maybe, I could turn into an elephant and have its memory. Then, I wouldn’t even be writing about wanting more brain space. I wish I was an elephant. Not really. I can’t make up my mind. This is a useless entry. I had a lot to write about a while ago but I lost most of them. See, what I’m saying is true. This blog has its purposes.

Friday, December 02, 2005

the pig with his goals

I am a pig. Pweh. After a long time of being a very clean person with fixed hair and a clean uniform, I have now turned into a pig. College has turned me into a pig and that for me is ummmm… I really don’t know. I’m not sure whether that is a good thing or not because there are always two sides to a coin.

On the one hand, I have gotten out of my shell and by that I mean I loosened up a bit. It used to be that I did not want people touching my well-fixed hair (well I still don’t want them to) but now, I get to have a hair that is going nowhere. It’s kinda messy at times and I get to experiment on it now. I don’t know… I just have that thing for hair. One more thing is that I wear whatever I feel because I can ‘dala’ what I wear so there’s no problem with that (hahaha… yabang). Then there’s also the fact that I got to love messy music. When I say messy music, I refer to soul music and any type of black music where there’s no definite melody. You know what I mean. To sum it all up, my messiness made me more experimental and loosened up.

But on the other hand, I have become a messy person. My grades weren’t what they used to because I don’t schedule my studying time anymore. I just study whenever I want to. I also eat sloppily and I sweat so much (well sweating was kinda genetic). Meyo (It’s a codename) and Skitz were calling me boy pawis and baboy yesterday. Hahahaha. I am a pig and I sweat so much. I think I have excessive sweat glands. Or I just have an active body.

I’ll just look at the bright side. At least pigs never become extinct. And I get to rule if I was in George Orwell’s Animal Farm. That is just sad. Haha.

By the way, I have new goals.
1. Win some contest. (IAC??!)
2. Be a good sax/piano player (so near…)
3. Write my first novel (ummm… 2 pages. Pweh.)
4. Quattro Kid (Hopefully this sem… Thomas hopefully would not be a problem)
5. Decide whether I’ll be a pastry or gourmet chef, then I learn how to be one. (lessons na!)
6. TV Host (Hahaha… this is more of a new dream)