Tuesday, January 31, 2006

kids and adults

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult. I thought that by being an adult I would:

1. not have to sleep in the afternoon
2. be able to play all day long
3. be able to avoid eating yucky food (at that time, the only that wasn’t yucky were fried food)
4. be able to avoid school and studying
5. be able to buy any toy that I like instead of letting my mom buy me shirts (which I hated at that time)
6. be who I wanted to be when I grow up
7. not be bossed around by my parents
8. simply be free to do anything I want

I guess I forgot to consider something. Or maybe it just was not explained to me that adults do have responsibilities. Great. People forgot to tell me something and that something just happens to be the something that would have made me not want to be an adult. Now that I am in my ‘young adulthood’ stage, I just wish I was a kid again. If I was a kid again, I would:

1. sleep all I can in preparation for the sleepless night in the future (thank you schoolwork)
2. would play only the sports that I would play in the future (then I would actually be excellent in those)
3. eat as much non-fried food as possible to be a healthy young lad in the future (so I won’t be fat in the future)
4. promise myself that I would take academics seriously (although I do not think I failed here)
5. buy shirts so it would not be that surprising in the future if I buy clothes at a regular rate
6. promise myself to sleep so I can actually grow up and then be who I want to be.
7. follow my parents
8. be thankful that I do not have responsibilities that are life-changing

Each person has a constant struggle with regret and sometimes we wallow in them so much that we forget that we have three quarters of our life ahead of us. Today, I told myself to stop regretting and move on. It does not help that I wallow in self-pity so why do it. I’m better off having fun with I have and just work with it. So there, I love my life.

To you (in case I read this in the future so it’s really addressed to me): You need to appreciate each and everything that comes your way while you still have it.

two ideas for the day

I am losing my focus. This is the big problem with me. One sem is too long for me to keep up the momentum that I was able to generate some months ago. You see, some months ago I was doing well and my grades were very DL-able. Now, they not very DL-able, they are now just i-just-wish-they're-even-DL-able grades. Anyway, I would have wanted the sem to stop a month ago. But for obvious reasons I cannot make that happen. So let's just say that this is a good thing. What is? The fact that I lost focus for only a part of the sem. Time to step up.
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On another note, today was a day of silence for me. I was not in the mood to talk that much because I did not feel like talking. This rarely happens since most people think that I cannot keep my trap shut (which is kinda true if I think about it). But today, I was able to do it. Maybe this happens during days when I just want to think. I guess sometimes, people need a few days of relaxation and with school throwing whatever in front of me, I end up with silence to relax (I know it's kind of pathetic). Tomorrow, I will talk like there's no tomorrow.

Okay... now that I think about it, that's just plain (add whatever you want to... i'm not writing it). I am silent because I have lots of things in my mind. Most of the time, I think about these things and forget about my sorroundings. Then... splat (not the appropriate onomatopoetic word), I return back to earth. Great.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

polarity

Remember when you had your firt grade school experiment on polarity where you were tasked to observe the two magnets that were being moved closer to each other. That was probably the first time you have heard the statement 'Opposite charges attract and like charges do not.' Well you see, today I've realized how different my brother and I are. We are total opposites. Even my friend told me so.

While I play sports under the scorching sun, he prefers to bask 'under' the television's radiation in hopes of doing nothing. While I sing my lungs out to different types of music, he prefers to just etch away and draw whatever it is he wants to draw. While I do stuff to groom myself (buy clothes and other stuff), he prefers to just wear whatever is there and look like umm... himself. While I am studying Biology in hopes to be a doctor/chef, he prefers to enroll himself in Fine Arts major in Advertising.

Fine, that was a good enough choice considering that there might be some future in advertising for him. I told him to pursue it because it is what he loved. But then, he suddenly tells me that he wants to be a social worker. What?! It's like going through pre-med and then ending up as a chef (which sounds kind of familiar). But the point is that social workers end up telling themselves that they are fulfilled even though they are not. They pretend that all their hardwork has been well-compensated for and they couldn't ask for more. Right... whatever.

Am I being mean for even thinking that the only way one can be happy with life is through monetary compensation? Maybe I'm just being practical and want him to be happy. Or maybe, I just want my brother to be, like me, someone who wants to achieve something big in life. Most probably, I won't stop this because he'll be the person my parents expect him to be... my polar opposite. And no, that is not a bad thing in this world, really.

transition period... supposedly

Am I going through that so-called identity crisis (which according to my SA professor is part of the adolescent stage)? Well, maybe I am. Or maybe I am not. See, just writing this proves that I do not even know what my situation is as of this very moment.

I am nineteen. Yes, I might not look like my age but you cannot do anything about it. It has been genetically encoded in my body and nothing will change that unless of course I become an experiment for I don’t know what. Anyway, I’m supposed to be in the sixth stage of development which would be young adulthood or in other words, the stage where I have to battle between intimacy and isolation. Yet, I do not think I’m there right now.

I’m stuck in the stage of adolescence. The challenge for me is to gain my identity and eliminate confusion. Great. For obvious reasons, I’m bound to be in this stage for a long while. You see, I have this dream of being a doctor or being a chef or being one of the greatest tennis players. As I have said, they are dreams so anything is possible. But the problem arises when I have to eliminate the ones that are near impossible.

So let’s see… ummm… I guess I have to say goodbye to being one of the greatest tennis players and just be content with local tournaments. Why? Well… ummm… aaahhh… isn’t it obvious? If you are living in a first world country, this dream is so easy to achieve. Well not too easy but relatively easy. You get the opportunities to actually try to be one. But if you started out tennis late in your life and you live in a third world country where sports is not one of the top priorities (because education is more important and it needs more budget or at least that’s what they say), you might as well fall flat on your face and dance to the newest dance craze in town. Great, now I’m becoming one of those writers who try infusing some “nationalistic” ideas to help heal the world. Not really.

Anyway, I’m left with two choices either become a doctor or chef (which people always think as me saying ‘shift’ in a barok tone). I am in my quarter-life crisis. Well, I’m assuming that my plans of dying by the age of around 70-80 will happen (normal age to get old), because I don’t want to be very old. So there, I can’t wait for my mid-life crisis. I bet it is really going to be one hell of a ride (pun intended).

Sunday, January 22, 2006

new writing music

The fact is that I am picky. I don't just read any book. I don't just eat any food. I don't just wear any shirt. I don't just listen to any music. And yet, I'm listening to something that I don't normally listen to (meaning, it's not jazz, or r&b. hahaha). It has been playing on my cd player over and over again. Surprisingly, the music is worth my money (at first, I thought I wasted money on it) and it deserves to be part of my 'music to listen to while writing.' That is a good thing considering that I find music as a distraction while writing.

Anyway, I was writing my English review paper (which is due tomorrow but I only did it tonight. this is called procrastination.) and I was just typing away because all my ideas were flowing right out of my mind. I'm not sure whether it was the music or the mind of the writer (me). But I'm guessing it's because of the music. I made that decision because when I switched to John Legend, I couldn't write smoothly. The music was very intense (although some songs were exceptions) that I couldn't concentrate on writing. So I decided to switch back so that I can write well again (which was the expected result).

So now, apart from Joss Stone's two albums and Kenny G's Duets album, I finally have new music for my writing. Yes, I'm listening to it right now while writing.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

nerd is just a way of thinking

For the first time in my college life, I actually feel like I am meant to be a college student. My grades are at an all time high (A’s in all subjects except for two) and I think I want them to stay that way. Well to tell you frankly, I think no one would want their grades to be low so I’m guessing that this is the behavior that one might expect from me.

Recently, I have turned into a ‘nerd’ because I have been reading my books and taking notes as I go through them. Then, I go to the library to read some more of these books during my breaks. As far as I can remember, I have never done such a thing since I almost got a D in second year high school in a subject that I hate… biology. And surprisingly, that is my current major. Great. I guess, I just missed my old self where I got the results that I wanted in terms of everything. I had control of my life and getting the grades I wanted were part of it. This semester, I told myself that it was time to overachieve again because I knew that it was what would make me happy.

I just want to point something out. That is the reason why I am even writing an entry on my academic life. Anyway, it used to be that nerds were the losers in the campus. They were being made fun of and at times, only befriended for their talents. However, as the years passed, nerds have been accepted more in our society and that they are the ones with power in the future. The truth is, I even find that people do not respect jocks anymore simply because they are dumb. Well of course, there are exceptions. But generally speaking, jocks aren’t as well-respected as they used to be.

So why is it cool to be a nerd? As I see it, the only reason why we call someone a nerd is because of the way that person looks. For example, if a guy has braces and eyeglasses, he would already be considered a nerd even if he was stupid. On the other hand, if a guy has style (having nice clothes) and can look good (well… ummm… isn’t this self-explanatory), then even if he was very studious he would never be considered a nerd. With this being said, I think that the term ‘nerd’ only refers to the image itself and not to the real sense of it.

This is the realization that made me become a REAL nerd. I realized that even if I often burn the midnight oil (well, not really), I will never be tagged a nerd for as long as I don’t look the part. Everything depends on the image that you want other people to see. In the words of William Shakespeare (and I know this has been used countless times), "All the world’s a stage." So I say we better act the part that we want others to see.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

remembering nostalgia

Nostalgia: a wistful yearning of the past. I have been hearing or experiencing this today so I knew it was a sign that I had to write a paragraph or two about it.

Most people, if not all, will always think about the good times that they have had when they were younger than they are now. For some it might be twenty to thirty years, while others only have to go back for about five to ten years. For me, the latter would be the case. Going back twenty years would be a stupid thing for me to do. Most probably, the only thing I will remember would be well… umm… nothing. Yes folks, nothing. And it is all because my parents haven’t met yet.

If I was to be nostalgic, I would remember so many things. I will remember the days when people wanted to be one of the Power Rangers. When most people wanted to be either the Red or Green ranger, I wanted to be the Black Ranger. These were the days when you will build a team of five and the sort of tomboyish girl gets to be the Yellow ranger while the girly girl gets the Pink Ranger.

I will remember the days when touchball was the ‘sport’ that every student would play in school every recess and lunch times. And when the fetcher of the kids weren’t there yet, they would also play during dismissal times. At the end of the day, we have kids covered in soil and perspiring like little pigs.

I will remember the days when you were cool if you had a beeper (which was not black). It had to be one of those colorful ones that you can show of in school (I never had a beeper). But then, if you had a cellphone, you were much cooler than the guys with beepers. You had that 5110 which had different express-on covers that you get to change everyday just because it was cool to change it. The coolest people would be the one with the 6110 or 6150 because they had an infrared on their phone. Infrareds are thos black things on top of their phones that they just use to play 2-player snake.

I will remember the days when baggy pants were cool and the bigger they were, the better (I never went for this fad). You could sweep the floor with them and your shoes wouldn’t be seen but you didn’t care. For as long as they were big, they were good.

I will remember so many things that I would not have enough time to think about them (I have a long test for histology lab. tomorrow). But the point is, I will always want to remember these because they make life seem so enjoyable. You remember the pathetic things at present which used to be cool, the fun moments you had with you family and friends and even the food that you loved to eat when you were a kid. These are the things that make you want to be nostalgic. Nostalgia… it will only take so long until I become nostalgic about being nostalgic.

literature for the self

“I am doing this because one day I will become a novelist. A great one who will be known throughout the world of literature and yet have a book which will not be part of the bestseller list.” That is what I tell myself whenever I write. I want to become a great novelist but I don’t want to be part of the bestseller list. You ask me why I am saying such an absurd statement. The main reason that I am saying such a thing is because I see the bestseller list as a stamp of commercialism.

Yes, you will get rich and be known world-wide but I highly doubt that majority of the people who bought your book actually understood its literary meaning. Most probably, the people who bought it were just joining the bandwagon and pretending that they actually loved it because it was such a well-crafted story. They’d be saying ‘Oooohh… have you read Dan Brown? The way he constructed his plot was so amazing that I couldn’t stop reading it.’ Great… To those people who are saying that, I just want to say that the only reason why Dan Brown is such a huge hit is because his chapters are short. Fine, it might also be because of the plot but it is really the short chapters that get you hooked to it. With the younger generation (my generation included) having a short attention span, it is not at all surprising if they liked that book because of its ‘well-constructed plot.’ But I just have to make a correction. It is not the plot. Rather, it is the pacing that is worthy of praise.

Don’t kid yourself. Having something that is well-liked by almost everyone does not mean that it will be well-liked by everyone. On one of my favorite author’s interviews, Susanna Clarke said that there should not be any canon on what books to read and people should discover for themselves what book gives them the certain magic. And in most cases, as Jonathan Safran Foer puts it, people are somehow put off by the books that were assigned to them in school just because they were assigned. I agree with them. Each has his or her own book out there waiting to be opened.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

dying to be a vegetarian

It is said that some food are acquired tastes. They are not just liked by everyone because they have a taste that is not suitable for every palate. It is common knowledge that kids hate vegetables (unless of course you were one of those kids who, weirdly enough, were born vegetarian). Even though that is the case, it is said that we outgrow that stage and then we gradually acquire the taste of these vegetables. But in my case, that obviously does not apply.

I hate their taste and it just does not help that they make be want to barf. Seriously. Just thinking of eating a crunchy green vegetable makes me want to stop and think of something else. For some sort of reason, I never acquired the taste of these vegetables. Fine, I eat these vegetables if they were put on a pizza, hamburger or some other junkfood. Why? The reason is that the pizza or the hamburger actually covers the taste of the vegetable. I mean, vegetables aren’t even sweet, so why like them?

It’s just a thought that came into my mind. I happened to eat some California Maki a while ago and expected a mixture of rice, nori, mango, and crab. But noooooo… they had to put some weird green, crunchy vegetable in it. Of all the types of vegetables you can put, they had to put a green, crunchy one. Why couldn’t they have put an onion or a pepper just to spice things up? Fine, it won’t taste good but it isn’t as if the green, crunchy vegetable was any better.

I talked to my crush a while ago about these stupid vegetables. She says that she hates them too (we removed those green, crunchy things from the Maki) and realized that she won’t survive as a vegetarian. She thought about being vegetarian over the break and realized that she would die. The case is same with me. I will die if I become vegetarian. Death by vegetables, I would say.

Monday, January 02, 2006

technology and the joys without it

When you are in a place where it seems that technology has stopped in its tracks, you are bound to live the simple life. It was not long ago when I was in a place like that. Actually, it was just yesterday. For three straight days, I had to make do without any signal for my phone (no happy new year messages and whatever message i would have received), no computer, no television, no radio, and even no newspaper. It seemed as if I was on an island when in fact I was on a mountain. I was so helpless to the point that I would tell my cousins that we should just roam around the village and look for ghosts. Technically, we were in a village with a population of... my family. So, it was not surprising to find ghosts (it was in Mt. Samat).

Anyway, we did not find ghosts and I am not gonna invent one just to make this entry interesting for whoever reads it. The main point of this entry is that I have realized that I am, as I would say it, techno-dependent. Not having ym for a few days because of a virus drove me nuts so what more if it were me not having anything that speaks by itself. It drove me crazy. It was not an enjoyable time for me and it was all because of my techno-dependence.

This is when I realized that I did not go to this vacation to have a bonding session with the television, computer, or the radio. I was there to celebrate the New Year with the whole 'angkan.' This, I guess, is the point of it all. I always look for things which I think would be a joyous celebration of the season. When, in fact, it is the simplicity of celebrating the season which makes it more meaningful. The season has ended and it will be another five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes before I feel that season again.