senior syndrome: starts now

Senior Syndrome. The two words I never thought would come, came. I don't like it.

Two more months. Tae. Tae. Tae. Foin, I'll think about it when it comes.

P.S. I'm not ready to talk about bluerep. The past few days have not been good experiences. I hanging by a thread and my patience is running out.

perfect days

Perfect days are fun. Today was a perfect day.

I had a long test which I think I got high in. I stayed in sec B with so much things to do. I went to Trinoma and was able to find the gift I would give. I went to rehearsals and had fun. I got the notes correctly. Everyone felt I deserved my role. No issues at all. No need for alcohol. This is the life.

I wish everyday was a perfect day. It's a good thing there are those people we call friends. They make perfect days much much better.

Saracasm really gets me through the day. I only believe in the last two sentences I wrote.

quitting and alcoholism

I have yet to make a final decision. Yesterday's reading was actually fun for me because I got to open my mouth. :-x

Anyway, pam and iggy told me not to quit since sayang. I kinda think so too... but then it is really different when you're already there. Things suddenly change. I know what will make me stay and what will make me go away. Next week, I will know.

On another note, people have been calling me alcoholic. I have heard it A LOT of times. I don't think I'm dependent on it... it's just that there have been a lot of opportunities for me to decrease the blood in my alcohol system.

It's fourth year anyway... I might as well have fun before med. school. Ohyeh!

i ain't happy

if you ain't happy with something, why bother doing it
it's a waste of effort and time
the past two days, i dragged my feet to rehearsals
i don't think it's healthy

in fact, this will entail less time with bio friends
and i don't think i'm ready for that
and yes, i didn't go to callbacks
and still they decided to get me
and this made me realize that there are people
who deserve it more
who have the passion to do it
i'm taking it for granted
i'm not happy
oh well

Quitters never win? I don't think I can quit something I never joined... technically.

commercial break

Warning: Cigarette Smoking is Dangerous To Your Health

Once you start it...

you get addicted
it consumes you
you consume it
you meet friends
you lose friends
it changes you
but you do not realize it
every puff is a breath of fresh air
every puff is a new experience

I'm stopping...

you experience withdrawal symptoms
you avoid people who also smoke
the urge to do it again gets to you
when you see others do it
total avoidance is the key

as much as i love it, i have to quit it. oh theatre.

oh mariah

She's a diva. I just saw this performance she had with other artists and she had to show off so that she'll be the star. I hate show-offs. That is the reason she is someone I do not want to perform with. She might be good but she will not let you be on equal footing with her. Oh Mariah. Now i know why they call you a diva.

I hope you realize people are annoyed when they see you. :D

stumbling on insights

I was browsing through the different channels on my boob tube and came upon 'devil wears prada' on hbo. I just find that this movie has a lot of insights and up to now, I still get insights from it.

Anyway, I got four different invitations to go to the shindig today but I had decline all of them (there was a point i wanted to go, but then realized i didn't). If this was a year ago, I would have said yes and just go for it and get myself drunk in a public place until unfortunate events start happening to me. Well, that was a year ago and now, I think it's really different. I'm not into the events/party thing anymore. All you do there is show up and hope that a lot of people see you because that's the main reason for these parties. YOU HAVE TO BE SEEN! It's all about superficiality.

Another insight I got was somewhat related to my career. I started college knowing that I'd go into med school. Then, I enter an org and I started rethinking my steps. For a moment, I wanted to give up medicine forever to the point that I even hated my own course. And now, it seems as if everything is starting to make sense. If you watched the movie, the girl started her job wanting it for experience until she gets sucked into the little community of superficiality and her whole life starts crumbling. I feel like I'm experiencing the same thing. Ever since I got into theatre, my grades have been suffering and I have lost some friends (although I also gained some) because i was too busy or because my expectations of people have gone up or maybe because I lost the ability to trust. There was this constant drive to excel and be the top (not bad if it didn't hurt others).

Oh well, I'm out of that now and it's time to move on. I need to mend some past mistakes and focus on this "new" career. I was so caught up in that world and i forgot to anchor myself. The movie showed how true happiness can be found when one starts to be who he is. I am who i am and sometimes I am tempted to be someone else. There are times I succumb to it and there are times I don't. But, the most important thing, as it is in life, is the ability to shake yourself up and make sure you are still grounded.

wall climbing and stuff

I wall climbed with Karen, Iea, Mica, and Iggy a while ago. Svet was there to look at us and LAUGH AT ME. So I was able to do the other ones until I got to this part where the wall was slanted and the rocks did not have those holes for the hands. So yeah thanks for my aching arms. I also tried to do the super hard one and watch me let go of the wall and swing like a monkey in mid-air. Thanks to Iggy, who did not want to baley me down, for letting me hang there for a longer time than usual. Dang. Hahaha. It was fun. Next week again hopefully. Yehey!

I also had a meeting for caroling which I wanted to leave because it was in the org room. Watch me squirm in the room which I dread the most. Remember: I want to dissociate myself from the org but not my friends namely the Kleek and a few certain people (i shall not mention people because some peeps might get jealous). Anyway, I had a meeting for the bio sportsfest after ditching the caroling (sorry oli, i'm helping... promise!). I was suggesting stupid games for the sportsfest but I don't care. Nyahaha.

I had dinner with Pam and Iggy after at Max's then Starbucks. We were just talking about tv shows, med school, and KAMOTE. sabaw! It was fun though. To med school people... here we go... ohyeh!

P.S. My arms can't feel a thing right now. Thanks wall climbing. Yey!

time to move on

Finally, I have reached a final decision. The past few years/months/days, I have always been debating whether to pursue theatre or pursue medicine. I've written so many entries about the clash between arts and medicine and I have even used it to discuss certain topics in Philosophy classes. And now, I know what I want. I can't help but smile whenever I think of the fact that I'm decided. I want to be a doctor and I will do whatever it takes to reach that. Wow, I'm actually decided. I can't friggin' believe this.

I was talking to my friends and I realized I wanted to be with my biology friends. I will really die if i see them as doctors while I scavenge for rackets in hopes of surviving. At the start, I did not want it at all but now I do. I've been finishing all my application forms because I'm passing them on the DEADLINE... not all of them but at least a good number. I'm so ready for med school. Time to party friends! Kidding! You promised I'd be your anesthesiologist. I better be that person, you fools! I'm fun. Wahahaha!:p

If you're wondering if I will still be active in my org (which I shall not name), I will be but not as active as before. I realized that I have to let go of it and the only thing important for me in that org were certain people (a few I should say) who I consider real friends. Let's scrap competition and being plastic. I can finally be myself and enjoy being me without having to wander in that world. Theatre has taught me a lot of things which I would not be able to learn if I was not immersed in that world. I really appreciate being in that org but there are time we just need to let go. I know I will miss it but this time, it has to be goodbye.

There are always opportunities for that and it may not be exactly in theatre form but it's still singing or performing. Hehe.

my current albums: part 1

This past sembreak, it's either I'm out drinking and eating (doing the bym and jay show too), watching a movie, or in front of the computer downloading albums and t.v. shows. And I think, 70% of the time, I'm doing the latter. Woohoo!. So I might as well put a list of the albums I've been listening to. This is the shiznit people.

I'll go out of a limb here and put not 5 albums but 6 just because I do not want to conform. Hahaha feeling. Here's the first 3.

1. Keyshia Cole - Just like You
- This album is the one that's currently on repeat in my iTunes. Yeba! I have heard a song from Keyshia before where she collaborated with Alicia Keys and it was a'ight. But then I didn't bother to download the rest of the songs because I haven't really heard her sing solo. So my friend told me to download her album. I did. I think it's very good. It has a fresh twist to the new beats of hiphop/r&b. It has a combination of fast songs and slow songs as well. The thing about this one is that i felt her more when I saw her interview in Tyra. Keyshia rocks. Download this now. Go! Listen to 'Let it Go,' 'Falling Out,' 'I Remember,' 'Just Like You,' 'Losing You.' So why didn't I just include everything. Haha.

2. Mary J. Blige - The Breakthrough
- I know this is really ages ago but I never got the time to download it since I've been so focused on downloading Broadway songs (blech!). Thank you sembreak for giving me back my normal music. Who can beat Mary J. Blige's album? She's just great. I'm actually surprised she didn't get the Grammy for Record of the Year because I personally think she deserved it. Anyway, this new serving of Mary J. Blige's is also one of the albums on my current playlist. It rocks. Download this too! I'm serious! Go now! Listen to ALL SONGS. HAHAHA. I can't wait for her next album.

3. Ne-Yo - Because Of You
- You'd think that this is another of those hiphop/r&b albums out there that sound the same since they usually have the same vibe. But no no no no no, this one is actually different yet the same. I can't explain it but I like the fact that this album is sing-able. Yes, I do sing with it so shut up. Hahaha. Anyway, I think this is a good album especially the song where Jennifer Hudson and Ne-yo have a duet. 'Leaving Tonight' is the title my friends. I have been reeating the song OVER AND OVER. 'Nuff said.

will never watch shutter again

So, my good friend has been telling me to watch 'Shutter' by downloading it. In fact, he even sent me a link where I can download the movie. Well well well cowbell, I didn't even click the link because I did not want to watch it. The thing is, if ever I was going to watch it, I would be alone in my room and I would probably freeze to death on my seat while watching it. I have decided that it would be better not to watch it.

Today, I had the opportunity to finally watch it. I would not call it a 'golden opportunity' since I find it hard even to call it an 'opportunity.' But seeing that it is a chance for me to finally see what I have been scared of, FINE, let's call it an opportunity.

Scenario:
I closed the blinds and locked the doors. I lean on a wall so nothing will surprise attack me (you never know right). I make sure the lights are open. then I start watching. So yeah... I got pretty scared A LOT of times since I'm ALONE. TAE. Here's the best part.

While the movie was at it's peak, the lights go out and guess what... BROWNOUT.
WATCH ME SCAMPER TO A CORNER AND OPEN MY CELLPHONE FOR LIGHT. But then, I did not want to see unexpected things so I decided that NO CELLPHONE LIGHT was better. For the first time in many years, my imagination has created the scariest monsters (so I still call them monsters after all) it can create in a span of 10 minutes. Nakatatakot sa dilim lalo na kapag nanonood ka ng nakatatakot na pelikula...

P.S. I will never finish 'Shutter' unless I watch it with other people. Bow.

just 'coz i'm so cool

Yes, I have been playing Onimusha Tactics for 24 hours and counting. I'm so cool... NOT!

On another note, I just found out that my friend since first year who I recently had a falling out with, has decided to make me permanently offline in his ym. So much for friendship. I'm over it now, we just have to move on with life because that is how life is. People change and we have to adapt. It's the law of nature and the best thing we can do is just live with it. i can't hate him because it was my fault why we're not talking anymore. Oh well cowbell

Bow.

P.S. To Caliraya or to Subic. It all depend on one person. If she goes or not. Package deal time peeps.

I need a mechanic

Someone needs a lot of fixing and that person is me. Shet, something is really wrong. I finally have my sembreak but the drive to go out isn't there. Well, at least for this week, that's the case. We were supposed to wallclimb but I had to back out because I was really feeling heavy. As in emotionally heavy. Then I was supposed to go to subic but since I'm so good, I won't be going anymore. There are a lot of things to do this week but I won't be going because I want to seperate myself from the world.

I need to fix myself before anything disastrous happens. My attitude in the past few days isn't me at all. I hate this. Damn you big prod.

Sabaws 'R Us

Here are a few sabaw moments that are blog worthy. I wish I wasn't sabaw... NOT! Fun eh!

So we had lunch at world topps and we were on our way to starbucks when:

Annabelle: I think I'd want to join a musical workshop before auditioning for prods.
Bym: Same lang yun e!
Jay: (in a serious tone) Ano ba Annabelle, the best EXPERIENCE is TEACHER.
(after a few seconds)
Everyone: (laughs)
Annabelle: Sige I'll go to National muna... meet you guys in Starbucks.
(annabelle leaves)
Jay: Haha. Tanga ko, the best experience is teacher.
Bym: Oo nga, ano ba dapat? TEACHING?
(laughter from both)

During a Party:

Jay: Okay, pwede na magyosi bukas.
Lawrence: Oo nga, since DOT DOT DOT
Bym: Ano ung DOT DOT DOT
Jay: Gets mo naman yun e
Lawrence: Nagprepretend yan na 'di niya gets
Bym: 'Di ko gets and I don't want to get it
Jay: Cge, if you get it pero you're pretending not to get it, then crush mo si (insert name of person).
Bym: Ay KA-
(I think he was supposed to say kadiri until we saw that the person was a meter away from us)
Jay: Holy Shit!
Oli: Jay, pwede ka na mamatay. Ligawan mo na si (insert name of person).
Jay: I want to disappear right now.

So yeah, this is what you get from sabaw people like us. Hahahaha.

I wish I didn't assume

I wish I didn't assume that I had talent

I suck at singing. People who I thought were worse than me in singing got parts (or at least get to audition for them). I get to do ensemble (i'm not saying it's bad... I'm so ready to be prisoner number 47). I think I just thought I was good at singing. I wanna die...

I suck at acting. I'm stiff (my director told me). I don't get to deliver lines well, nabubulol ako. I don't have clarity. I hate this. I wanna die.

I suck at dancing. I never did this seriously. So great. I wanna die. But may chance pa sa dancing.

I don't wanna sing or act anymore. If I can dance my way to the top, I would. But I can't coz I don't know how to.

I wanna die. Untalented people don't deserve anything.

Today's Agenda

Okay, I seriously do not know what I want to write right now. There are a lot of pent up emotions inside of me and they are all different. So which one should I express?! Okay, Lawrence told me happy thoughts dapat so whatever I write, I write.

I had my audition yesterday for a play. I'm not sure if it sucked or if it was good. I just want to assume it sucked so that I won't feel bad about myself. I also want to assume my dance audition did not have enough to catch the attention of the panelists. There.I can write so much more about this but I choose not to because I already said them a while ago (while smoking half a pack of cigarettes PLUS ONE... since someone only had EIGHT!). I need to let go of it and just accept it. It's just that my view of what I love has changed and that, I guess, is what sucks the most. They said it was a reality but I refused to believe it... but here it is. Great.

Over na ako kanina then lagi ko naaalala. I have to work with what is given. I just have to make sure I do it well. On another note, I'm not even sure if I'm going to start the the voice lessons since DOT DOT DOT

Agenda a while ago:
1) woke up at 8 then had breakfast
2) went to serendra at 12 to supposedly have lunch but we just looked at toys and had coffee (we ranted)
3) went to eastwood at 3 to watch a movie but ended up smoking and ranting 'til 7. tae kasi e.
4) had dinner then went home

galing galing (with clap). 'di pa naligo ako and ung isa diyan while doing the agenda (we were in the clothes we wore the day before).

life is just that... imagination

There are times when you are in this big bubble and you see life in this microscopic view. You walk around without a care in the world because you have this idea in your mind that life will be what you imagine it to be. You will hang out with friends, graduate, have a job, get married, have a family, have kids, grow old, and then die peacefully. You just go with the flow because that is what life is... your imagination.

And then one day, you experience something and your bubble is popped... if it was a glass bubble then it would be shattered... if it was a wooden bubble it would be broken... you get the drift. Well, I always imagined myself to have that life I created in my mind. It was the life, although not perfect, I wanted. When that car accident happened, I had a sudden macroscopic view of things. Life was short and it will not be what I imagined it to be. I guess this made me realize that I should not forget what I always wrote about when I was in high school. It was something about that phrase 'live your life as if it was your last day on earth.' And after that accident, it could have been my last day on earth.

The sad part about that was that my last day on earth was spent drinking with people and not having a care in the world. When we are caught up in the moment, we see things in a microscopic view and we feel as if our life is on big event and we forget our environment. It's like this party and your dancing in the middle of the dance floor... you forget everything around you because you are living that very moment.

If I die tomorrow, can I look back and see that my life was actually significant. No regrets... hopefully.

Kleek dinner tomorrow. Unity and Rekindling according to bobo. We're complete for the first time in a long time. Yehey!

ironic

Remember the time when you were still in grade school and the teacher would always give this speech about the lazy student and the hardworking student. Well, it was like one of those "If wala kang pencil, para kang sundalong pupunta sa giyera na walang baril." That just made me want to cover my ears because they always keep using the same analogy. Anyway, the anecdote I'm talking about is about how teachers prefer students who are not that bright but are hardworking than those students who have IQ's, higher than the average human, but do not really work for their grades. I used to think this was stupid because I was one of the lazy ones. Yes, I knew I could still pass and get high grades without having to work that hard. Woohoo!

Now, I get what that teacher said. I know people who do not have what it takes to do something and yet they strive and work very hard just to reach that goal. On the other hand, I also know people who have what it takes to be better and yet they do not act and became static people instead. I tried helping out people who didn't act on something and I secretly wished they would "improve." Who was I kidding?! I realized just recently that the people who really want the help are those who do not have the talent YET. There's this person I know. His family does not approve of the fact that he is in theatre and yet, he recently did a play because he really wanted to learn. I know he's not the best singer out there in the cast but what he did impressed me. He loved what he did and he went against the tide (parents/family) because he wanted it. These are the people who I really want to help to the point that I'll be the first one to feel bad if they do not succeed in their passion. What makes me feel better is when he tells me that he wants to be part of the next play. I really hope he does. Passion (it's not just wanting but actually going for it) always ranks higher than talent. I envy him because at such a young age, he did what he wanted and did not give in to what other people said. I wish I was like that... but yeah... no use crying over spilled milk.

I hope he becomes successful.

P.S. I suddenly felt insecure a while ago while singing. It did take some effort and a lot of convincing from my conscience to make me believe that I'm good. I'm good.

A tribute to the best people in the world

KLEEK (Aye, Bym, Jay, Mian, Oli, Sab): I don't think I have anything else to say to these people. They're my heart and soul. We are the best group in the world. It's not perfect but each one is unique and I can't ask for anything else. We have our sabaw moments and we have our serious times. Even if we never are complete during lunch outs or dinners, we still stick together. Nothings going to stop us. Dominate!! Tagal ng shirt natin. Hahaha. To more sabaw moments and bonding times. I will miss everyone once I graduate. SERYOSO! I love the kleek. We gonna KLEEK IT 'TIL WE DIE.

Ratpack (Anix, Iggy, Jay, Mica, Pam, Svet): They're fun Bio people. Nothing can beat that. It's weird that all of them came from one block and I wasn't from theirs. It was only recently that we got to hang out. And the good thing is that when we do, we have fun. To more drinking sessions (wasakan!!). Can we do our thriller movie soon?! I'm excited.

Perfect With a Bonus (Ces, Jay, Lawrence, Pauline): I just met these guys and they're proving to be a promising bunch. I'm starting to get attached ata e. Nyek. They're sabaw and they get me to cut Philo for no apparent reason but to hang out. Yehey! I didn't really think they were the ones I will hang out with in the cast but who cares. They rock and we get to eat a lot and go on adventures. UP isaw, Shakey's ice cream, Hyenas, and Drinking. I look forward to hanging out with them and start knowing them more. Woohoo!!

Yeah, I did this 'cause I realized I'm fourth year. I'll be graduating soon and I'd be seeing all these people less. UNLESS I EXTEND which is 50% possible. We'll see. But as of now, I have a lot of work. Shucks.

Kleek meeting and Someone biting me

Tang ina. I kinda didnt feel the party last night. It was the newbies' party so yeah they can have fun. I felt old. We got there at around 1030pm so what to expect... no food. People were drunk and throwing shiznit at each other. At least the kleek was there so yeah, it's all good. kleeking it til we die. Oh and finally, my dawg and little sister somehow talked to each other. It's a start. Awww... start of them being on good terms again. I shall cross my fingers.

Newbies... some were wild, some were normal, some were sad, some were game for the dares, some bit oldies. I was once those things I said except for the biting part. Why did she have to bite me. Argh.

the spotless mind

I watched 'eternal sunshine of the spotless mind' a while ago and fussed over the idea of forgetting. Sometimes, I feel like it would be great to forget some people because you just want them out of your life. On the other hand, there are people you want to remember forever. The sad part however is that as we grow older, we start forgetting things... maybe even forget people. Shit Alzheimer's... go away.

The day I forget the people I love is the day that I consider myself dead.

unresolved conficts

I told some people about my new realization. Unresolved conflicts are very bothersome since they just pop out from nowhere. Then the most irritating part is when it makes you realize that your life isn't as smooth as you think it is. They're little pimples on your skin which makes the skin ugly. Labo.

some things i'm thankful for and not thankful for...

It's been a long time since I've written anything here. I guess it's because of the things I've been doing recently. First of all, putnam is finally up and running, which means I actually survived the oh-so-emotional roadblock.

I'm mostly thankful for the KLEEK. It recently went through some problems and I'm glad everything's okay now. They've been the people I have been talking to about stuff that I have always kept and not shared to people. For the first time, I told some of them my problems in the family. I guess I trust them that much to tell them that much. See, I've never told anyone about my problems at home and I've been keeping them to myself starting grade six. It took me 9 years before I can tell anyone. I hated keeping secrets but I felt like no one can know and I was good enough to handle it. Anyway, I feel like it would really suck to see the Kleek drift apart because I've started to really get attached to them. That's why I dread the day that I will have to graduate and not see them. Hay... I hate being emo about this.


I'm also thankful for my thesis partner who I know I have not been helping that much recently. I'm really sorry since I have a lot going on. I know it's not an excuse but I promise to work my ass of as soon as the play ends. Thank you for still defending me from sir Monots even if I know I'm the one lacking. Yeah, I got reprimanded by Dr. Lagunzad already and I think it was unfair of her. Anyway, I'm moving on from that na. La la la.

argh...

I just realized that I accidentally erased all the birthday messages in my phone. Tae Tae Tae. I hate this. I kinda saved those messages since it's a new phone and a new set of birthday messages. Now, I have to wait another year. Tae.

I realized that I have the coolest friends. I wasn't able to write about this but a few weeks ago, we had lunch and they gave me a cake saying 'Pangit ka! Eto cake. - Kleek' They're just so nice! Hahaha. It's kleek tradition e. Yey!

And yeah, I really will go to ateneo on a regular basis next year just to meet with them!

some reminders from myself

I think I need to constantly assess myself and see how much I've changed from the last time I've assessed myself. My friend said I've changed since I'm not as makwento as I used to be. But now that I think about it, it's useless to tell stories since my current stories won't be relatable for my friend.

So what is my conclusion, it's not about the person changing. It's more about the environment and your group of friends being different. So we adapt to the changes. We become different for the people we have "left behind." But intrinsically, we are the same. As Shrek said in his third movie, even if people think you are something, it is still you who determines what you are. In other words, if people think you're an ogre because of your appearance, you don't necessarily have to be an ogre inside you. The connection is kinda malabo but i'm telling you there's a connection.:P

thanks to...

Ima thank the people who remembered by birthday. Galeng. I tried to remove it in multiply so no one will know unless they really know it. Anyway, ang labo nun. I'll thank you guys in order.

1. Bym - Dawg, una ka... cge thanks for telling me 'happy new year' and that i'm still dark after one year. Haha. Galeng. Kleek lunch/dinner soon.
2. An-an - Haha, thanks thanks! I just really wish okay si father david... live life mode tayo for the year. YEHEY!
3. Paje - Hahaha. That's a surprise ha. Thanks paje!
4. Tin-tin - Thanks for calling me an asshole because you're a bitch anyway. Nyahaha. Thanks.:p
5. Jordan - Thanks... kwento mo na si ano soon. Nyahahaha.
6. Oli - Hoy thanks sa happy new year greeting ha. Talagang ganun ung greeting ng kleek e. Lunch/dinner next week you carebear.
7. Ann
8. Annabelle
9. Liza
10. Annie
11. Svet
12. Mooch
13. Mandy
14. Anika
15. Shar
16. Nikko
17. Robin
18. Jenelle
19. Carla
20. Mel
21. Paul
22. Enzo
23. Toff

recent frustrations

Damnit... I'm having a hard time in rehearsals since I can't seem to lock-on to my character. Hell, I don't even know what my character is supposed to be like. All I know is that he's from jail. Wow, so that's supposed to narrow it down to what? Almost everyone. I mean, if you came from jail you can be anything... good, bad, whatever. Jail doesn't change a person into any stereotypical jail man. Tae kasi e. I don't know what to do with the monologue. I hate this... I'm really frustrated.

Damnit... I can't seem to perfect my songs in the play. Fuck it. Everyone seems to have locked-on to their characters and songs, while I am stuck in a state without any improvement (thanks no lack of youtube videos for MY character). This play is not as enjoying as I thought it would be. Can I just reach those notes please?! please?! i'm kinda desperate here.

Damnit... I lost a bet in less than 24 hours. I was supposed to be nice for a week... but thanks to my non-stop mouth, I lost. And it would have been okay if I lasted for more than 2 days. But nooooo... I lasted for 23 hours-ish. Boo me.

Damnit... I don't like know-it-alls. Can they just shut their trap up and stop thinking that they know everything about someone. No one is an open book... we all have our secrets and we will never share them to other people because that is not the book we want them to read.

Damnit... I need to cut some ties... I think I have to start sifting through the good friends and the fair-weather friends. Don't worry, this has no connection to any events happening to me. This is just a realization and I want to do it.

maybe it's better to just flirt

I guess it's better if I just flirt with girls. At least there's no commitment and no feelings of hurt since there was no attachment to begin with. Yesterday was pretty eventful...

1. signs na this person likes me
2. singing a duet with someone and people teasing me about it
3. bonding with someone who i told people as being my MCR
4. the bestfriend of the person in number one telling me na she thinks number one is the girl for me and that i'm the guy for number one

So yeah. Do I change my standards for this? Or do I just flirt since it's fun? Ewan. I don't like thinking about these things.

I hate feelings. They suck.

Is it true that there is that one person who we will always love no matter what we do? We love that person just because. It is unconditional and simple.

Today, I find myself having a hard time to write the words I want to express. When I am about to write a description of that feeling inside me, it transforms into something else. It transforms into something new. It's like this quark. It's either you can see it with your eye and follow it but not find its current location OR you can find its location but you won't be able to follow it. Basta, it's hard to explain. It's a feeling. And as we all know, feelings are hard to explain because they cannot be fully defined. All we can do is feel them.

So what's my problem? Well, who do I like more... I DON"T KNOW... that is my problem. I have a deal with Sab nga pala... we are losers. Hahaha. Woohoo!

Some realizations... all in a day.

Most of the time, I feel as if I have stopped developing as a person. Or maybe, it's just that the experiences that I experience (wow... malamang you experience experiences) are taken for granted. They just happen and I don't even dwell on them. This, in turn, stunts my growth as a person. It's like being a superhero but you don't know you have superpowers. Yeah, bad analogy but you get what I mean. How can you utilize something which you do not know you have. Haay... I realized this because I have to play this character who has experienced so many things in life. The problem about this is that I find myself having a hard time portraying this person (black dude from the ghetto... the closest I can be to this is if I go to tondo... and hoping I don't die after five minutes of being there). Now I feel sheltered.

Weirdly enough, that realization evolved into another realization. What you were as a kid will be who you are as an adult. I was such a goody-goody back in grade school and high school. (Don't freaking tell me that I just disproved my point). You have to understand that even if I try to be not so goody-goody, there is still a part of me that will stick to the base principles that I had as a kid. I remember something. I once realized that if something feels unnatural or weird, it means it's not you.

Last realization, people grow up and sometimes they do things that we don't expect them to do. I'm just shocked. Haha. No more details about it.

of goals and disappointments

So you've heard... or maybe not. I got into this play I auditioned for (no no no... not that friggin' TA play... i'm talking about the bluerep one). It's really fun since I got a role that I wanted and hey, i'm going to be in my element. So there... I'm happy. But even if I know I deserve this since (as trisha says) they haven't really seen my potential, I still feel like I just got it out of a technicality. I know we have the same style but he obviously has better skills.

Basta, I would have been okay with it if the artistic team didn't consider looking for people outside bluerep (since they think no one can do mitch). Or if ever they did, they shouldn't have let me do mitch's part na. So why did they even let me learn the song? Tae sila. If they think he deserves it more, then fine get him. I just don't want them suddenly feeling like they should have gotten him when we're already in the middle of the production. Damnit... I suddenly don't feel like I'm the ultimate choice anymore. Kasi naman e... how subtle can you get. If you tell the core about it, malamang I would know. Tae. I'm just really frustrated.

My past entry was about doing things with a smile pa naman. I have to do this with a smile. Hell, my castmates are great maybe except for one but you know what I mean. Step it up! Yeaboi!

a few realizations

So... in an attempt to try to do a lot of things, I think I am about to get myself into another dilemma. This has already happened in HSM and POC before. Damnit. I just wish that the schedule fits in.

Anyway, Kim Clijsters (a Belgian tennis player) just retired and I think I was affected by her farewell message. She said two things that I think are things that I should incorporate in my personal philosophy. First, she said, "I'm very happy to have met the people I did. That's always been the most important to me; forget the trophies and material things, friends are truly the most important." When I read it, I just realized that sometimes, I concentrate too much on the things that I want to achieve and have. I don't even realize how many people I have met and have become integral in my life. Sometimes, when you grow up, you would want to look back and see that you have achieved so many things. But I realized that looking back with other people is more important. Friends are important and the fact that you will grow up still being each other's friends is amazing.

Then, Kim Clijsters said that "whatever you do, do it with a smile on your face." Then I thought about it. I would want to do that. I don't think I need to explain it. I just want to do it.

I wanna go...

Seriously, everyday that I live, I just want to get out of this house. I just want to emancipate myself from my parents for a lot of reasons. Sometimes, I think I'm only in this house because I need money. Other than that, there's nothing else. I hate staying in this house. But then again... no one's at home most of the time so oh well.

I just need an opportunity to be able to buy my own condo unit and I'm set.

By the way, I realize I do not work well in groups if it concerns academics. They hinder me from actually doing anything. The only group I work well with are the people in theater. Other than that, nakakaasar... ano ako leader? kaya nga groupwork e... dapat equal.

Mapapayosi ako nito e.

Anyway, nagaudition ako sa TA play kanina... I'm not expecting to get in... but if I do... why not. Then, I want to audition for the bluerep play rin.

Naaasar talaga ako ngayong araw. Tapos ang tagal pa dumating ng phone ko. Leche.

it's time

I realized I'm of having to be always happy or at least pretending to be. All I wanted was for people around me to be happy. But when they start being asses and backstab you, what's the use right? I do not like being the kid anymore. No one takes the kid seriously... for everyone, he's the person who is fun. But who is the kid if that fun was lost? The kid is no one. The kid's identity lies in his fun factor. I'm tired of acting in real life. Time to grow up.

wanting to be more

In the book I was reading, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, there was a scene where this young boy was shouting at her mother. He was shouting because his mother was saying that his dead dad's spirit/memory was in the coffin. But, the boy refused to believe this and told his mother that his dad has already disintegrated and has turned into dead cells... cells that can be inhaled and exhaled by people without even knowing it.

Then, I thought about it. What if he was telling the truth? What if we just become dead cells and there was no spirit at all? After thinking about it, I realized that I wanted the fact that there was a spirit and that there was something more than my body. I refuse to believe that I am just a combination of different types of cells that combined to form my body. I do not like the fact that my whole person is finite. I want to believe that there is an afterlife and that I am more than my body. I want to believe that after I die, I would still be able to exist even if it is only partial. Nothingness is not an option... because if it is... what's the point of living this life.

It's not about the fact that I may or may not believe in God. Rather, it's all about the fact that I WANT to believe that there's a God. I want to believe that I am more.

compromise

Most of the time, you do not get what you always want. You can force yourself to get it but end up falling short. So what do most people do to satisy their hunger? They find a compromise. That is the answer to most problems in this world. The only problem is that people do not see it as a solution because it seems weak for someone to just give up on something he/she truly wants. I had to write this because I now know that I will never get everything I want. Yeah, it took me this long to realize that. I just had to stop believing in such cliches as: "follow your dreams," "nothing is impossible," or whatever cliche you have deep down in your pocket.

People give inspirational stories of how they became successful. From rags to riches is what some people would call their life story. But when you think about it, how many people actually achieve that?? How many Lucio Tan's or Henry Sy's or Gokongwei's can you have? Not that many. So we have to compromise. Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that there is no hope in this world. I still believe in luck just as much as that construction worker lining up with hopes of winning the lottery. But let's be realistic, luck is an occurence that does not happen daily. We still have to work hard just to earn a living. The point here is, everything in this world is a compromise. My parents want me to be a doctor? I want to do theatre? Well, I'll just be an anesthesiologist so that I will have a lot of free time.

Just like anything, friendships are compromises. We can't be friends with everyone or at least be equally close to everyone. Some people will disappear from our lives sooner or later and some will stay. That's the compromise we have to take. We can't have everything. That's life.

this is just hilarious

This is an example of how the friendship of the bobets really works. Shet, you gotta love these people. And we obviously love each other... I think we have surpassed being carino brutal. Hahaha.

Bym: whuts the soulful song of justin timberlake?
Jay: eat yourself... or eat the bobets?
Jay: alive
Jay: so cannibalism
Jay: another song
Jay: ung title
Bym: eat the bobets.. at least i know u guys will be in me
Bym: :))
Bym: i see i see
Bym: :))
Jay: i don't wanna eat my friend
Jay: kadiri ka
Jay: o cge...
Bym: hahaha
Oli: mga choices niyo eh
Jay: remove ur left eye or remove ur right eye
Jay: :))
Jay: for both of you
Jay: what will u choose
Jay: :))
Bym: uhhmm
Bym: left eye
Bym: cuz mas mataas yung grade
Bym: :))
Jay: wahahha
Jay: labo
Jay: hahaha
Jay: pangit na choices un
Jay: hmmm...
Bym: lose an arm or a leg
Bym: :))
Jay: leg
Jay: coz may wheelchair
Jay: at least pwede pa ako mag-ym
Jay: kung may arms ako
Jay: :))
Bym: kill oli or kill aye
Bym: :))
Jay: oli... lose you fingernails by pulling them off done by somone who tortures or chop ur hands pero done by a doctor
Jay: go oli
Oli: may wheel chair naman
Oli: uhm...
Oli: lose a leg
Jay: iba na choice mo
Jay: hahha
Oli: omg
Oli: omg
Oli: omg
Oli: NO
Oli: ouch
Oli: nafeel ko yun lahat
Jay: hahaha
Oli: i have a very vivid imagination
Jay: no ung isa may anesthesia
Jay: kasi doctor ung gumawa
Jay: pero wala ka nang arms
Jay: ako kill aye
Jay: :))
Jay: ikaw bym... kill oli or kill aye?
Oli: uhm...chop hands
Bym: hahahaha
Bym: oli
Oli: then commit suicide
Jay: hahha
Bym: :))
Bym: ooolliii
Bym: :))
Jay: oli, papatayin ka ni bym
Oli: shucks
Oli: sige ok lang
Oli: i love aye
Bym: kaw oli..
Jay: ikaw oli... kill mian sab bym me or aye? u have to choose 3
Bym: kill you or kill aye?
Bym: i bet sab and aye will survive
Jay: ikaw rin bym, kill mian sab oli me or aye? choose 3
Bym: :))
Jay: :))
Oli: NO
Oli: kill myself
Jay: and u hafta choose 2 others
Jay: dapat 3 people will die
Oli: me, you, bym
Oli: para you guys can use your one-way ticket na
Oli: and i can start my cleansing in purgatory
Jay: okay, the theory is correct... bym and i will always be the first ones to die
Jay: are we that useless?
Oli: no
Bym: hahaha
Oli: masarap lang kayo patayin
Bym: yeah
Bym: just cuz wer men
Bym: tsk
Jay: ako i'll kill mian aye and sab
Jay: coz they will go to heaven
Oli: and plus...sayang one way ticket to hell eh
Jay: well... aye sa purgatory coz bitch siya kay...
Jay: :))
Bym: :))

Cool Cool

I was playing with it and I found it to be real cool. Yehey! That's the kleek with bym sab oli and me.

one more test and then... I'm done

Okay... my philo orals has ended and I am happy. Anyway, the question was, 'Ano and koneksyon ng pamimilosopiya sa pagpapakatao?' So, being the lazy person that I have been this whole sem, I just said, 'Ang pamimilosopiya ay pagpapakatao,' which means that they are just the same. Wow, talagang PINAG-ISIPAN.

Great huh? My orals was 1145am and I studied at 10am just so I can make something up about it. Well, I was able to make something up and that's good. Anyway, I think the orals was good unlike last sem where I had to act like some stupid fool in front of my teacher just to have a 'gimik.' nyehehe.

Here's how the barahan conversation went.

Sir: Unang tanong ko sayo jay, sinasabi mo ba na lahat ng bagay ay pamimilosopiya?

Me: Yes sir, kasi lahat ng ginagawa natin ay pamimilosopiya

Sir: So kinamot ko ang likod ko namimilosopiya na ako?

Me: Yes sir, kasi dahil sa pagkamot mo, nalalaman mo na matatanggal mo ang kati sa pagkamot at nadadagdagan ang iyong pagkatao. (what the freak right?)

Sir: Pangalawang tanong, lahat rin ba ng bagay ay pagpapakatao?

Me: Yes sir, kasi lahat tayo ay may pananagutan agad kahit ayaw natin. At ang mga ginagawa natin ay i-jujudge na lang after.

Sir: Pano mo nasabi yan?

Me: Kasi hindi lahat ng pagpapakatao ay... tama?? (I wasn't sure if I was right or wrong)

Sir: Bakit naman?

Me: Sir, if may terrorist tapos gusto niya pumatay ka ng 3 sa 10 na hostages, kundi ay papatayin niya lahat. Ano ang gagawin mo? Kahit ano gawin mo e di may mapapatay ka.

The terrorist example I gave came from a conversation I had with Oli and Bym while we were in our 'let's not study' mode. So now, I still stick to my philosophy that we should not study for philo orals because we just need to experience things (during our 'let's not study' moments). Actually, joke lang. Mag-aral nga kayo... kailangan 'yan sa buhay.

Anyway, Microbio na lang. Lopez, kahit kumakanta lang ako sa class mo EVERYDAY (and sana 'di mo naririnig), I will show you how good I am in identifying bacteria... not really. Tae, inuman na sa friday. Beh!

dumadaldal lang

Yehey! Bukas, maglalasing na naman ako... este iinom ako. Mapagpilit kasi itong isa kong kaibigan e. Dyok lang. Ako talaga ang mapagpilit. Pero kung tutuusin, matagal ko na rin naman silang hindi nakasama e so pwede na. Iinom kami pagkatapos ko gawin ang aking pagsusulit sa Espanyol. iQue barbaridad!

Sa miyerkules at huwebes, malamang lalabas na naman ako. Parang hindi finals week ha. Sige lang... kapag hindi mataas ang greyds ko malalagot ako. Hahahaha. Sana hindi ako maubusan ng pera diba. Labas kasi ng labas tapos malapit na ang summer. Ang galing ko. Buti na lang talaga may sammer classes.

157 nga pala ang random namber ko. Masaya na ako dun dahil hindi ako ganun kalayo. Saka asa pa na may kaagaw ako sa mga klase ko. biochemistry? bio thesis? political science? siguro polsci meron pa... pero aasa lang ako sa biochem at bio thesis. Maski ako isusuka ko 'yung dalawang sabdyek na 'yan e kung hindi lang rekwayrd. Nakalimutan ko sabihin, naging iba na ang thesis partner ko... hindi na si Karen at Ann. Si Gel na. Hehehe.

ang saya ko ha

Pumunta ako kanina sa Ateneo ng maaga para mag-aral para sa pagsusulit ko sa History. Aba... manigas-nigas ako sa loob ng library sa kababasa ng libro na walang kwenta. Hiniram ko pa 'yun pero mukhang 'di naman yata nadagdagan ang aking talino. Parang nabobo lang ako sa kababasa. Tae. Dahil nga nabobo ako, at ayaw kong matuluyan ako, nagpasya na lamang ako na kunin ang aking eksam permit. Anak ng tinapay! Ang haba ng pila... kaya napaisip ako at sinabi sa sarili na dapat dati ko pa kinuha. Aktwali, hindi ako nagisip habang papunta sa dulo ng pila (nag-isip ako ng nasa pila na ako). Nakasalubong ko kasi ang aking kaibigang si Mac na tinawanan pa ako nang makarating ako sa dulo ng pila. Thank you... naapreciate ko 'yun. Haha.

So naghintay ako 'dun ng tatlumpung minuto pero 'di ko rin nakuha ang eksam permit ko dahil maleleyt na ako para sa aking pagsusulit. Nakakaasar. Buti na lamang, hindi ako hiningian ng exam permit ng aking mataray na guro. Mataray na nga, ang taas pa ng kilay. Ma'am, easy lang po... masaya ang buhay. Eniwey, madali ang pagsusulit ngunit dahil mataray ang teacher ko at mukhang ayaw niya ako... mukhang mababa pa rin ang aking marka kahit anong dali nito. Parang kahit multiple choice, sasabihin niya na hindi perpekto ang pagbilog ko sa letra ng tamang sagot. Epal.

Bukas naman, may pagsusulit ako sa Espanyol. Ano ba?! Sawang-sawa na ako dito sa asignaturang ito. Pero sa totoo lang, marami akong natutunan. Kung kausapin mo ako ngayon sa Espanyol malamang ay... tutunganga ako at maglalaway lang dahil hindi kita maintindihan. Dyok lang. Mayroon naman akong alam kahit konti, ang dami ko yatang natutunan sa guro ko, lalo na ang magluto ng 'tortilla de espanya' na sa totoo lang ay itlog na may patatas at sibuyas. Galing.

I am strong

Two hours ago my friend ym-ed me so I can help her with her philosophy orals. She asked me 'bakit tayo mapaparalyze sa idea of death?' Since I did not know the answer, I just told her 'kasi takot tayo sa hindi pa natin naeexperience pero alam nating maeexperience natin.'

After two hours, I realize that I did make sense... somehow. I haven't told anyone about the fact that I might get an F in a subject. If ever I did, I showed them my 'sus, okay lang yan... this is my patapon mode... let's live life' face. I gave that face so that the people would not worry about me. I do not like people to worry about me because I do the worrying for others. I am the one who is supposed to be strong for other people. That's what I am used to and that is what I want to do. Showing people that I am affected by something makes me vulnerable and weak.

Last Friday, I wanted to go out and just enjoy the whole day by drinking to get my mind off the idea of that F. I spent the day laughing with my friend while we were in the bench, drinking with biology people, drinking with some kleek peeps, and going to carla's party. I wanted to just enjoy. While I was in Cantina, we got into a fight with some teachers. My instincts took over and I knew I had to look out for my friends. I had to deal with the situation because I can't let my friends do it. I was ready to take the blows for them. I did. I am strong.

That night, a lot of things were going in my mind but I knew this was something I needed to handle by myself. That's how I do things... I handle things by myself. I look out for others but I don't want it vice versa. I am strong.

i want to write

I just wish I can write all day. I want to write all day. About life, love and all the random thoughts I can think of. I can write all day without having to expose myself to people. Then when I see people, they can say that I am so lucky to have what I have. Then, I would feel good about myself and be happy.

I just wish I can write all day. I want to write all day. By writing, I would not have to waste my time speaking of something that the one listening does not care about. Hell, the one listening has his/her own problems, so why add to it right? When we rant, we don't want advice... we just want someone to listen. We need someone to share that burden with us just for a moment. If I write, then I would not have to burden someone anymore.

I just wish I can write all day. I want to write all day. I get to release emotions without having to hold back. I do not have to worry about how others will react. I have freedom. I will just go on and on until my fingers get tired and my brain stops to rest.

I just wish I can write all day. I want to wriet all day. I do this because I want to believe in it. I can read it repeatedly until I believe in it. I can believe that it is what I want to do because the truth is, I want to expose myself, waste my time and hold back.

a big leap... frustrating

Imagine yourself jumping from a 50-foot builidng. You wanted to do this for so long. Now, you have mustered the courage to do so. All you can do is remember what you have done with your life. It was good right? You tell yourself that because you do not want to die feeling bad about yourself. But you do know you're going to die. You have not heard of anyone surviving a fall from a 50-foot building. No one can help.

.......................

..................

...........

.....

..

So this is it... how stupid of me to slip. Now, you want to live more than anything in the world.

thank you alcohol

Today, I sit in the middle of the room rekindling everything that has happened in the past. Emotions start to enter body trying to fill every inch of it. It starts to overflow until I could not take it anymore. I release it. I shout. I cry. I laugh. I put everything out hoping that I would be reduced to no emotions. For a moment, I thought it would work. Well, I was wrong.

(I just wish that my life would turn out the way I want it to be. I am tired of trying to work for that life I want and just see all that work go to waste. I'm frustrated because I want things to be the happy, beautiful, and exciting thing I imagine it to be. But it's not. Life is a tough one. It is sad but I try to look at the positive things in it so that I can pretend that it's what we imagine it to be. It's tiring to go against something and I am tired. In life, only sadness is permanent. Happiness is just temporary because once we stop working for it, we're left with sadness to dwell on.)

Today, I sit in the middle of the room. Emotions start to enter my body trying fill every inch of it. I wish the alcohol was enough to make me numb because I could not take it anymore. I release it. I shout. I cry. I laugh. I put everything out hoping that I would be reduced to no emotions. For a moment, it worked. Yes, it worked...

subconcious thoughts

I officially call my subconciousness thetenniskid.

thetenniskid: Ah... so may pangalan na ako?
me: Uh... obviously.
thetenniskid: is that how uncreative you have become?
me: No! You freak ass! I just want my subconcious to be well-represented.
thetenniskid: Anyway, isn't it your hellweek this week?
me: Oo, patapon mode ako e. 'Wag ka magulo!
thetenniskid: Hala baka magka-D ka ha.
me: Thanks for stating the obvious. Talino mo! Tae ka.
thetenniskid: Ima going to sleep now and dream of **** first.
me: Stop! Kadiri. You're getting me in trouble. Gah. Kadiri.

attachment

I realized that my biggest flaw is attachment. Once I get attached to people or things, i can't seem to remove myself from them and instead, concentrate on myself.

Back when I was in grade 3, I had a dog which I loved very dearly. It was fat, fluffy and would always follow me wherever I go. Then, my dad hit it... with a freaking car. I cried the whole day and did not talk to my dad for two days. That day just sucked.

Now, I realize that I get easily attached to the people I meet. And I think, this hinders me from performing to my true potential in school. Instead of going home, I'd rather stay in school to hang out with people. This makes consider what Dr. Bailey and Meredith's mother said in Grey's Anatomy. Dr. Bailey told Dr. Stevens not to get attached to her patients and just be their surgeon only. On the other hand, Meredith's mother told Meredith that she has lost focus all because she met someone.

I think I easily get attached to people. Yes, it makes me lose focus. But do I care? I guess I have to disagree with what Dr. Bailey and Meredith's mom said. Apart from being a student, I am a person. I care for the people around me and that in itself defines the doctor that I am going to become. If I die tomorrow, I'll be happy. If I don't, guhreat... more entries to convince myself that I'm doing fine. It works you know.

Shet, core mode na. I'm excited for EvSem.

from zero to hero

Most of the time, I complain about how some parts of my life suck (I don't think my whole life sucks). I complain about the situation at home. I complain about my grades in school. I complain about how I do not want to be a doctor. I complain about a lot of things.

Then I remember how miniscule I am in comparison to the whole world. There are so many people out there who are seriously helpless and cannot even live a decent life. I have so many things to be thankful for and yet, I take them for granted. I have a family which isn't perfect yet complete, I study in a good school, and I have the coolest friends in the world whom I love.

I was listening to my philo teacher yesterday. He told us that doctors study not to heal themselves. They study for others. Shit, I suddenly remembered why I wanted to be a doctor. It was because I wanted to help people I love. And I knew that making them happy made me happy. That was my reasoning for going into this (back in HS). I'm glad I remembered. Step up na! Be prepared world... I'm back.

P.S. Pola texted me. It said, 'Congrats Mr. Deputy Finance Officer! hush hush, it's still a secret.'
P.S.S. I'm overjoyed. I get to be an officer of an organization. And it's an organization I want.

Kleek-ish

Lesson learned: Stick to the status quo. Or in last night's case, stick to the kleek.

I don't know what happened to me but I agreed to go with them. They were all ecstatic that I was hanging out with their 'group.' For some of them, they think I'm the traitor but for some, I don't know. Haha. Anyway, once I got there, they started interrogating me about 'Why now lang Jboy?' I just told them I was busy and all the shit I can invent.

They just kept on rubbing the fact that I wasn't talkative because my 'kleek' wasn't there. I just felt as if I had no allies in the place (which is kinda true if you think about it). Never go out with them again unless I'm with at least one kleek-ish dude. Tae sila.

sumusubok lang

Napansin ko na tila ang lahat ng entrada sa aking talaan ay pawang nasa wikang Ingles. Sa kadahilanang ito, naisip ko na mainam ang magsulat ako ng isang entrada na nasa wikang Filipino.

Pagkatapos ng sampung minuto. Tinamad ako. Mahirap ang magsulat sa wikang Filipino kung wala ka naman talagang gustong sabihin. Nagsayang ako ng sampung minuto. Sana kumain na lang ako ng masarap na pagkain. Tumaba pa ako. Ngunit, hindi e. Pinindot ko pa ang keyboard ng aking kompyuter. Ayun, napagod na nga ang aking mata sa kababasa, napudpod pa ang aking daliri. Magaling magaling. Sana ipagpatuloy ko pa ito dahil ang talino ng ginagawa ko e. Ay oo, 'sarcastic' ako. Bobo.

Ayoko na, wala na itong napupuntahan. Nagmumukha lang akong bobo. Gah.

Some Thoughts

I realized something after three straight days of going out. People easily judge others. The thing is, these people have not talked to me recently. Call me paranoid but I'm pretty sure these people have their own opinions about the things i have been doing.

Only recently did I get irritated at people who I consider my friends. They should know me better. I guess not. All of them have been worrying and it pisses me off. They have been telling me that I'm becoming patapon because I drink too much and I don't focus on my studies anymore. They also feel that my involvement in theatre is too much. Anyway, I especially got pissed a while ago when my friends suddenly said they were worrying about my grade in history. I obviously failed that long test, but so did a lot of other people. Our other friend had a much lower grade but they didn't care. I asked them why and they told me 'Kasi, nagwoworry siya e, tapos ikaw parang wala lang sayo.' I don't know... Of course, I worry (a lot)... but do I have to show them that I'm worried. I don't think worrying will help. I just hafta do my best the next time.

I'm just OFFENDED that they think I'm being patapon. I'm no britney spears who would just start shaving my hair off. I'm just enjoying this moment because life should be enjoyed. I don't want to die thinking that I could have lived my life better. I wouldn't study my ass off because I don't want to tell myself in the end that I missed out on being with my friends because I studied most of my life. I'm really disappointed about their opinions. They do not know me that much I guess.

As for the Bio batch, there have been some issues and I think I'm in the middle of it. I just feel like I shouldn't be hanging out with them anytime soon. Life is twisted huh?

Although I want to thank my bluerep crew for always being there. And for two of them who have become my recent drinking buddies. They're the ones who don't judge me for doing what I do. We let each other be our own selves. Things will always work out when the time comes. I just want to LIVE FOR THE MOMENT.

ummm... sex?

Subconcious: Hoy, you will be having sex on Feb. 22, 2007.
Me: WHAAAAT??? I am? Are you freaking kidding me?
Subconcious: Bobo! You have a play on that day and you're gonna PRETEND to have sex.
Me: Oh.
Subconcious: Is that all you can say?
Me: Ummm... do I need experience?
Subconcious: I don't know. Stop talking to me. People would think you're crazy.
Me: Weh! You were the one who suddenly started talking. I can't believe my subconcious is stupid.

Yes my dear readers... if you're alive, I'm gonna have a play. Woohoo to productions!

finally... a reflection

Okay, so where am I right now? Ummm... well I'm in the CTC computer lab and I just realized where that twisted feeling was coming from. It was from being able to see that I haven't spent enough time with my old friends and weirdly enough, my new friends too. I don't why... but I just felt like my growth in terms of relationships have become stunted and it is only recently that I have felt it. I told Oli about it and I guess it's true. I haven't maintained my friendships and that kinda sucks. I guess it's only during these past few days that I actually had time to think about what has happened.

I don't think my bestfriend is my bestfriend anymore after I ditched him the last time he visited. Then, I haven't actually talked with the comtech peeps that much and at times, some of them irritate me. I can't believe I'm saying this. The only good thing is that I just had the best dinner/inuman with some bio friends (Ann, Annie, Issa, Karen, Berto, Iggy). It was such a fun night. Although technically, only karen, iggy, and i got drunk. perfect!

Oh yeah! I'm still an alcoholic. Hopeless case my dear readers.

unexplained well

Today is a day that gives out that twisted kind of feeling. I do not know what has gotten into me but I feel like there's something bothering me. I told my friend about it but it seems that I cannot explain it to him either. Great.

It's just one of those days. Maybe it's that day where I am changing. I mean it's a transition phase. See... I can't explain myself well. Argh!

on a campaign towards goodness

I know that people hate on others because of jealousy among other things. Although based on my recent experiences with people, I have been seeing so much envy. Also, I have to admit that this applies to me as well. Even if I try my hardest to make myself an optimistic, non-envious, genuinely good, and plain simple person, I end up being the opposite. I realized it's because I am exposed to so much jealousy and hate in school.

People are very competitive and I am not talking mainly about academics. I am talking about competing in terms of the different aspects of a person. They start to degrade you just so that they will feel better about themselves. Although sometimes, it might be the truth. But believe me when I say that they are not backstabbing/hating on people to set the truth free. They have alterior motives to their actions.

People should stop hating. It would be a much better place if that is the case. I suddenly remember this friend of mine who I always believed was too nice. He always found goodness in a person. Now, I realize that he was not too nice. He was plain nice. It just so happened that I compared him to the standards of this world... which is being mean. Change is all I need. I can do this. PERFECT!

a little early morning reflection

It 2:30 in the morning and I'm thinking (and not sleeping thanks to coffee), what should this entry be about? Should it be about how I do not like the fact that I am awake at 2:30 in the morning because of a school report? Should it be about how I have been trying to live an optimistic life? Or should it be about how my current relationships with people stand?

I think it should be about what my philosophy teacher asked us last Friday. He told us to think about it and I realized that I never do any homework in Philo, so I might as well do this one. Is life all about getting something out of everything one does (gamitan)? I started out thinking that it is not true. Not everyone competes to get what he wants. There are artists out there who do not care about not getting enough money to live a good life. But then he tries to tell the class that these artists actually do this to get something... and it's happiness. Whatever it is, people want something out of life. Then,I had to think.

I realized that life is about getting something out of what we do. It's about doing what we love to do because it makes us happy. We have friends because they make us happy. It's not about befriending them because we get something out of it (gamitan!). Real friends do not use each other... then you'll tell me they get happiness out of each other. SO?

I think people exist because they are getting something or they want to get something. It can be as small as walking to get to a certain destination, talking to get a way of conversing with others, opening ones eyes to get to see something. It can be as big as having friends to find happiness with each other, to doing what you love most to be happy about yourself. Once we stop getting... we stop functioning. It means we're not thinking anymore. Then once we stop thinking, we stop being real humans.

So what is life and the human person? It is doing. It is through doing that we gain existence. Perfect!

faster than the Flash

Let's see...

This week has been a week of fast events. These events have been totally unexpected but at least they worked out for me. I knew it, having a positive outlook in life attracts positive energy.

So, I was asked to stage manage for HSM, and I accepted after two days from when I got the invite. Then I quit after two days from when I started. So now, I'm assisting them in the production, but I would be front on house na on show day itself. Woohoo! I think that's better 'coz I get to watch the play. Yey!

But the best thing is that I've got a new real friend. We never talked at all before and somehow, we just connected on that afternoon when she decided to sit in front of me. And now, we talk everyday when we see each other, philo class, and ym. But take note, we never did small talk. We just went straight into the deep and personal stuff. She's fantastic. A cool friend indeed.:D

of starts and diamonds

Everything has to have a start. Whatever it is that happens, there will always be a start. The one thing that people do not know is that the start does not determine the end. Yes, it might be able to affect it some way but it is not the sole determinant of where you will go.

In life, you meet people who you forge relationships with. Some of them you keep for all your life. While some of them, without actually intending to, you forget. I have this theory about myself. I meet new groups of friends on a somewhat constant basis. And at the end of the day, only a part of that group actually remains to be my close friend. This is my theory... while we do meet groups of friends, we only become close with a few of them. As a result, the ones you became close with are the ones who become your friends with until you are old.

Friendships have starts. While most of them have ends, some of them don't. It's like a sifter where you try to seperate the fine grains from those rocky ones at every turning point of your life. Well, you're left with the rocky ones, but then you realize that they are actually diamonds in the rough. I have forged friendships that have grown, that have become stunted, or that have died.

Still, even with a lot of people sifted out, I am still left with those diamonds who are gonna be my friends until I die.